Sunday, August 29, 2010

Peace

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This one is named PEACE
Drawn on the date mentioned
As the name indicates, it was drawn in peace and tranquility, after struggling for a long while with internal turmoils

A Challenge

The Sunday bug is at hand is almost slipping away. I went to listen to divine voice this morning and heard what I didn't expect. I was challenged. In fact, I shed tears on what I heard. Simple thoughts thrown in a careless manner hit my heart with such force as to drive me out of my comfortable place in life.

"When I am ready to listen to God, am I ready to do what I hear?"

I... Often, I have failed to be open towards what I heard. Whenever I pray, I pray for what I think is better for me. And whenever something other than what I expect is offered, I shirk! Choices I make, I made... Oh god, it is painful to go over them again and again and again... I am tired of shedding tears... I am not ready for this anymore. But still you bring me more of it, as if I am not yet steady... I am tired... What gives me hope is a hope that everything is right... I am shaken, to the roots again. I have already begun to doubt about the very base of my life. The clarity I had is melting away like an ice cube. Soon, I will be left with no place to hide and no peace to dwell in. Again...

In the past, were I shying away from truth? This truth torments me like a live wound on my heart. Even otherwise, I live the life of a living confusion. Now, everything is ready for another toppling. Being overthrown from peace, I will wander in an all-white no-where for the next few weeks. A haunting truth or a haunting lie? Why am I constantly being pulled in both directions? Why am I comfortable on both the sides? Is it myself that I hate? Questions that occur incessantly!

And the most painful of all thoughts: What if I had made a mistake? It makes me feel like I am dead already. The consequences of such a possibility makes my brain go dead... But when heart takes over, I feel tormented, like my friend on the wooden cross... What if I had made a mistake? I don't know how and when to pay back or get paid for all these...

Being directionless! It is really a maddening experience... As days go by, the picture may emerge clearer- may be... Or it may remain foggy and unclear... Or I may forget about it... Or may be everything will be alright...

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Like Basheer said...

Pretty much like what the great writer Vaikam Muhammad Basheer said, every little creature has the right to live on this little earth. Today, at the university, I saw a puppy playing with a bigger dog at leissure. Both the dogs were playing with each other in ecstacy, pulling each other, climbing over the other, running around, ocassionally falling down, etc. It was a wonderful sight to see.. Even now, at the lab in the university, i can see two piggeons talking to each other, over the air conditioner outside the room. It is wonderful to see how wonderful life is. I also saw a brown coloured dog, gasping for breath, may be in the process of bidding farewell to this life..

On my way back from the university, I usually see a man lying down on the road side, sometimes clothed, sometimes not. He is hungry most of the times. Therefore, he streches his hands out, asking for a contribution. Whenever he is not hungry, he is seen sleeping on the road side, in all that dirt, peacefully, like a dove.. He is unclean, he is not properly clothed, he is not probably educated.. But he seems happy! Last year, at the bus stands, I used to see a man, of the similar nature, except that he usually was naked. He seemed clearly out of his mind. (Or probably, you and I are out of our minds!) He didn't possess even a pair of clothes! Still he seemed to be smiling like a child at everyone. I remember a quotation: "Give one of your smiles if you find someone without one."

Why am I writing all these? I am in search of meaning. Life seems pretty interesting for me. It also seems quite puzzling. Happiness doesn't seem to be an outcome or end anymore. Joy is not a state of mind. I have recently begun to think that happiness is something that we always aspire for. And when we get closer to it, we feel that we already have it. Then there is ecstacy. But before we realise that happiness is still far away, the state of ecstacy would be far away.. This makes me compare myself with that puppy, the pair of piggeons, the dying dog, the man on the roadside, the naked man... They seemed happy, without the credentials I have. I only boast of myself...

I don't know whether to turen desperate or to turn optimistic. There were many ocassions when I thought that joy was at hand. I still know that joy is just out there. Does it always remain a mirage? Is it something unreachable?

As I lie down on my bed every night, praying for what I love the most, what I miss the most, what I aspire the most, I feel happy. I feel the ecstacy. I feel that I too can love. May be that gives me power to go through the next day. I am yet to know what it means to BE! I am a child. Like Basheer said, every little creature has the right to stay on this earth. This little child too... with all its troubles and problems...

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Monday, August 23, 2010

The Sleepless Wait

I find it difficult to sleep tonight, though my brain is switching itself off... Today was a good day... Onam.. Classes, friends, special friends, joy, etc...
How to say things without saying them? I don't know...
How to hide things even when saying them? I don't know...
But I do say, I do hide...
What a life..
Its a sweet lie, covered in chocolate candy... Yet I find meaning in its unrealistic happiness. I dig for joy and find it lying unwanted in the corners of depths... 
I want to live.
I only want to live.
Like a human being, I only want to live.

Endless are my complaints... Futile are my arguments... In the end, I lose..because in love, I am always second... For me, its life and love that sustains love and life! A stupid thought!

Sleepless night! But I got to try. I got to see if i can get a dream.
A dream where I am who I am...
Shattered dreams rule my waking hours..
At least in dreams let my joyful dreams reign.
Come, embrace me sleep, fill my conscience with white.
Let my thoughts converge into that single point.

Waiting for another birth...
Waiting for that moment...
It will be soon..
Maranatha...


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Uyirode...

അനന്തം അജ്ഞാതം അവര്‍ണനീയം...


അറിഞ്ഞുകൂടാ എന്താണ് പൊരുള്‍ എന്ന്... പക്ഷെ അറിയാം എന്താണ് പകലെന്ന്... അകലെ മാനം മറഞ്ഞു പോകുന്ന നേരം പകലും അകലും. ഇരുട്ടിന്‍റെ നേര്‍ത്ത കരിമ്പടം എന്റെമേല്‍ അനുവാദം കൂടാതെ എറിയപ്പെടുമ്പോള്‍ പൊരുളറിയാതെ വീണ്ടും ഇരുള്‍ കനക്കുന്നു... 
ഇനിയും  കഴിഞ്ഞു പോയവയെക്കാള്‍ അധികം വരാനിരിക്കുന്നു... കണ്ടതിനേക്കാള്‍ അധികം കാണാനിരിക്കുന്നു... സ്നേഹിച്ചതിനേക്കാള്‍ അധികം സ്നേഹിക്കാന്‍ ഇരിക്കുന്നു... കാന്തശക്തിയുള്ള ചില വാക്കുകള്‍ നെഞ്ചില്‍ തുളച്ചു കയറുന്ന നേരം കൂട്ടി കിഴിച്ച് കണക്കു പരിശോധിക്കാന്‍ കഴിയുന്നില്ല... ഒരു ചുവടു മുന്നോട്ടു പൊക്കുമ്പോള്‍ രണ്ടു ചുവടു പിന്നോട്ട് പോകുന്ന ഈ ജീവിതം വഴി മുട്ടിയാലും തെറ്റിയാലും എന്ത് ഭേദം? 
ഒരുപക്ഷേ ശരികളുടെ ഒരു കൂമ്പാരം ആയിരിക്കും ജീവിതം. മറ്റൊരു പക്ഷേ, തെറ്റുകളുടെതും... ഏതായാലും കണക്കു തീര്‍ക്കാതെ അവസാനിപ്പിക്കാന്‍ പറ്റാത്ത ഒരു സമസ്യയാണ് ഇത്. നഷ്ടബോധങ്ങള്‍ക്ക് പല്ലും നഖവും വച്ച് ആക്രമിക്കാന്‍ വരുന്നത് വരെ ഈ ചൂതാട്ടം തുടരും! പ്രകൃതിയുടെ താളം തെറ്റി മുറുകി ഒടുങ്ങും വരെ ഈ വന്ധ്യ നൃത്തം തുടരും. ഫലം അറ്റ് ഞെട്ട് അറ്റ് പ്രജ്ഞ അറ്റ് പ്രാണന്‍ അറ്റ് നിലം പതിക്കും വരേയ്ക്കും തുടരും ഈ പലായനം... ലക്‌ഷ്യം അറ്റ പലായനം... 
പറയാന്‍ വാക്കുകള്‍ ഇല്ല, കേള്‍ക്കാന്‍ കാതുകളും.. പക്ഷേ നാവിനില്ല വിശ്രമം. അനന്തം അജ്ഞാതം അവര്‍ണനീയം ഈ പ്രപഞ്ചം.. അതിന്‍ നീണ്ട നൃത്തം, ലാസ്യ നൃത്തം... കാഴ്ച അറ്റ കണ്ണുകളും ചലനം അറ്റ ദേഹവുമായി കാത്തിരിക്കാം.. ഉയിരോടെ... 

രണ്ടര വയസുള്ള കുഞ്ഞ്

ആൾക്കൂട്ട കൊലപാതകങ്ങൾക്ക് പേരുകേട്ട നാടാണ് നമ്മുടേത്. എന്നിൽനിന്ന് വ്യത്യസ്തനാണെങ്കിൽ നീ  കൊല്ലപ്പെടണം എന്ന ചിന്ത എന്നും ഈ നാടിന്റെ ശാപമാണ്....