A Challenge

The Sunday bug is at hand is almost slipping away. I went to listen to divine voice this morning and heard what I didn't expect. I was challenged. In fact, I shed tears on what I heard. Simple thoughts thrown in a careless manner hit my heart with such force as to drive me out of my comfortable place in life.

"When I am ready to listen to God, am I ready to do what I hear?"

I... Often, I have failed to be open towards what I heard. Whenever I pray, I pray for what I think is better for me. And whenever something other than what I expect is offered, I shirk! Choices I make, I made... Oh god, it is painful to go over them again and again and again... I am tired of shedding tears... I am not ready for this anymore. But still you bring me more of it, as if I am not yet steady... I am tired... What gives me hope is a hope that everything is right... I am shaken, to the roots again. I have already begun to doubt about the very base of my life. The clarity I had is melting away like an ice cube. Soon, I will be left with no place to hide and no peace to dwell in. Again...

In the past, were I shying away from truth? This truth torments me like a live wound on my heart. Even otherwise, I live the life of a living confusion. Now, everything is ready for another toppling. Being overthrown from peace, I will wander in an all-white no-where for the next few weeks. A haunting truth or a haunting lie? Why am I constantly being pulled in both directions? Why am I comfortable on both the sides? Is it myself that I hate? Questions that occur incessantly!

And the most painful of all thoughts: What if I had made a mistake? It makes me feel like I am dead already. The consequences of such a possibility makes my brain go dead... But when heart takes over, I feel tormented, like my friend on the wooden cross... What if I had made a mistake? I don't know how and when to pay back or get paid for all these...

Being directionless! It is really a maddening experience... As days go by, the picture may emerge clearer- may be... Or it may remain foggy and unclear... Or I may forget about it... Or may be everything will be alright...