Sunday, March 27, 2011

wondering!

Just for the sake of it, I was wondering about life.
Why does it have to be so lazy when it should have been so busy?
Why lonely when it ought to be buzzing with friendship?
Why no msgs when badly need one?
Why no class when home is extremely boring?
Why?

Null N Void

           It's noon. Says the faint intruding rays of the Sun peeping through the insulations of my window. There is hardly any movement in my room, except the appearance of sweat on my forehead and hands like tiny diamonds. I am thirsty, but there is no water to drink. It's dark around. I need sleep but am not able to sleep.
           Just then, there was a knock on my door. I decided not to respond. Knock again. Should I get up? Or remain in bed with my thoughts? I found myself at a junction again. Junctions of doubts- they are what my life is made of. Knock again! I decided not to get up. After a few minutes, the knock stopped. I could hear footsteps walking away into the alley.
           Junctions are difficult, because they necessitate my getting up from the bed. I prefer the bed in my room. For the last 34 years, I haven't opened my room for any reason whatsoever. They have told me about the death of my dear neighbour. I found no meaning in opening the door. I loved it inside. The dark of the room is more protective of the .. huh.. I have forgotten what is outside.
            It's a long time ago.. 34 years... I was younger then. I had blood in my veins. There were flowers in the gardens and hope in the eyes. World was outside the room those days. I was often scolded for not staying withing the walls. There was excitement in the world. There were friends. There was light and snow and rain. There were girls. There were everything.
            That was a long time ago. Lying in my bed now, I can't find meaning in anything that I did those days. Just meaningless things. All those people were shadows. All those trees were pigments of my imagination! I just can't believe I lived for over 20 years believing and trusting a lie. A lie that there is a world with light, trees, humans and emotions. How childish was I to believe in baseless lies of gigantic proportions! I can only smile at my immaturity.
             I am happy here on my bed, in my dark room. Here is safety. Here is no lie. I can be around the four limits of the bed with joy. There is nothing I should be afraid of- not even myself. In fact, it's good that I can't see myself. I am quite happy that I am alone. There is no need to explain anything to anyone.
             Everything went on well, till that fateful day. I was lying on my bed, happily closing my eyes, imagining how heaven would be! I kept my eyes tightly shut, to avoid any slight disturbance from the light possible from the window. Heaven would be pitch dark like I imagined. There would be no need for me close my eyes tight like this. I was happy getting a foretaste of heaven.
             It was then that I was awaken from my heaven. I felt light! WHAT? After careful sealing of the room, after all these 34 years, LIGHT? I tried to open my eyes. But I couldn't the light was so blindingly powerful. I covered my head with quilt and tried to wake from the fright of this dream. Light! Not possible. I pinched myself to wake up. Ouch! It pains...
             Then? Is it real? What........? I tried lifting an edge of the quilt and opening my eyes. The worst has happened. It's true. There is light. It's real. I shuddered. I felt like being evaporated into nowhere in smoky dark curls. But there I was, lying on the bed, under the quilt, wondering about the reality of the reality! I have to wake up- I told myself. But I am already awake.
             Through the corner of my slightly open eyes, under the quilt, I found this unbelievable- my door was open. My world was no more my own. It is intruded into. I am no more a happy man. I hate this world again. It is so unreal, that we start believing that it is real. Now what to do? I got to open my eyes? Should I? Or should I sleep again and wake up into my familiar dark room again? Oh, this is unending. I decided to wake up.
              I covered my head with the quilt. Light would break my eyes. I tried to twist my body around and put my feet down on the floor. Ouch! I hit the wall with my feet. It hurts. I had forgotten which direction was the wall and where I had left my sandals. It was on the other side. If it's real, I got to learn a lot of things- I told myself. Like a blind man, I walked to the door. My eyes under the quilt hurts. It's so powerful light. It really hurts.
               I found the door. I found it! I felt happy. But the next moment I stopped at the door. What am I doing? What non-sense am I planning? To go out of the door? Stupid me! I turned again to go back to bed.
               But, should I just see what is outside? That sounded reasonable to me. Just for a moment, I should probably see, opening my eyes. Just to see, what is outside my room. Just to know if everything is as I could imagine. Then I could peacefully go back to sleep, being comforted about the darkness of the world. My world is certainly better.
               Again to the door. The door post. It is warm. It's rough contour talked to me with memories. Moments spent at the door... I went back in time. Faces, words, emotions... Is it real? Doubts again. I took a step, still doubting if this was real. And.....
                Aaaahhhhhhh............
                Treachery. Treachery. I am falling. Where is the floor? I am falling. Gliding like a feather, I am falling. Oh.. my quilt.. It flew away in the tremendous power of the wind. Blinding light... I couldn't bear the speed with which I was falling and the bloody light. Where is the end of this fall? Where is the floor? I felt like my flesh being blown away in the wind. Unending fall. Down to the abyss of eternity? To the future? Where is the floor? All this time I was screaming. Now I opened my eyes a bit. The light is not that bright now. I could slightly open and see clouds moving up faster than wind. It was cold. I missed my quilt.
                 I looked down. There was green down. Aaaaahhhhhhh... It is ground! And I am falling like a comet! I will die in a few seconds. I will be torn into a thousand pieces of red flesh to be eaten by ants and cuckoos! Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh.............
                 I couldn't close my eyes. The final moments of my life. I wanted to see. Just see the last moment. I began seeing something else. There was my father's face. Then my mother and siblings. My friends one by one. My lover. My neighbours. All of them were smiling. SMILING? I am dying in a few seconds and they are laughing? I couldn't believe. Once again, my theories were proving right. I was happy in the dark room.
                 This should be the last second. I looked at the smiling faces again. But they were not there. I closed my eyes and prepared for disintegration. But the moment I closed my eyes, they were inside my eyes. I could still see them. I didn't want to see them. So I opened my eyes. Woosh! They are there again.
                  I started wondering, why am I not hitting the floor? Am I still floating in the air? Not falling? I opened my eyes fully. It wasn't that bright. There were no clouds. No faces, No trees beneath. I was on my bed! What the Hell?
                  For a moment, I was angry. But again, I was happy for getting back into my dark room, relieved from the horrifying day dream.
                  BUT!
                  I was on my bed, But the room was not the dark room. Now I was confused again. Which is real? I felt like screaming aloud. And I did!
                  "What! What is happening to you?" A voice shouted from beside me. I was shocked. Frightened, I looked to the side. There was a woman under the blanket, sleeping next to me! I couldn't but scream again. Aaaaaahhhhhhhhh..............
                  She got up and gave a bang on my head. Damn, it hurts! I looked at her. She is angry. Hei, I know that woman. But, who is....
                  "You better go to sleep. You got office tomorrow morning. When will this end? You and your crazy dreams."
                   But... I was in the... I can explain this.. You...
                  "Shut up!"
                   That was the end of the conversation. I went back to sleep beside the woman. Something is wrong. I need a sleep probably. May be there is a misunderstanding. Or may be there is a mix up between reality and fiction. Everything looked strange. Before covering my head, I looked up. There was a huge lizard. Oh! I can't bear anymore of these. I covered my head and slept.


PS: I still wonder which is REAL- the Null or the Void! 

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Huaman!

What makes a being human?
A smile or the ability to behave?

. . . . . . . . . . . .

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Revelations

No one is reading my blog!
Crashing down on me this Sunday morning, this thought came like a thunderbolt. Sooner than I thought, I decided to do something about it- to stop writing! Oh no, how can I do it? I started writing at no one's request. How can I stop writing at someone's neglect? I found that a better argument and decided to go on writing without a reader. May be one day, when I am 'famous' (:-D) someone will read what I write these days. Let me write first. As the tsunami news from Japan strikes ones ears, eyes and heart alike leaving us all in sheer helplessness, I would like to decide this way. To write.
Then again, No one is reading my blog!
I write in two languages. One language has roots and the other, taste. I like to swim in both. When I fly in thoughts, I also swim in writing. I enjoy this act. So I write. As Prof. Ashok told us in class, a text is distanced from its reader as soon as it is written. Then it has a life of its own. It will travel in space and time beyond the expectations and dreams of the authour, gathering meanings which were never intended. If it were not so, no writing would have been tasteful and original.
Thank god, I am able to convince myself to write.
So I will write, regardless of the fact that you never cared to read what I wrote.
I write, because Life necessitates me to write. It's my vocation.

:-)
I smile, and I write.

Monday, March 07, 2011

Enikenthinaadee Sandhya?


Unsettling thoughts

A constant unrest of my soul undoes the foundations of my existence as a human being. I wonder why do I have to see myself going all this way far into the unsettling distances of uncertainty. It's been so many years now. When there is calm, I call it peace. It's only to rise again to the depths of another meaning. How many times do I have to unsettle myself? How many times do I have to annihilate my own being just to wake up again to repeat this whole futile exercise?

I am realizing more and more that the charisma of positive hope is somehow escaping the very soul of my writings. I am not able to sustain the energy which can take me over the troubled waters of agony. I stop here. I find that an easier option.

It's a literary text that usually unsettles a reader who takes it seriously. In my case, it is life that does the job. It unsettles me and throws me out of my corner. A sense of wonder fills me, while looking into the abyss of 'non-existence'. Foggy and misty. Invisible if existent, the future is hidden- like every tomorrow.

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Sunday, March 06, 2011

Puzhamamsam!


Home again!

.

Saw a man.
He looked at me.
Unlike me, he looked with compassion.
I said, "I'm home again."


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