Friday, December 30, 2011

All Alone

In the innermost recesses of our very being, we are all Alone.
Every experience shapes us,
Every word moulds us,
Even our thoughts influence our past and future.


Life thus is not an island of decisions, but a complex web woven by a lonely spider, based on its experiences. 
It turns beautiful when the spider chooses its directions, its decisions.
The spider that is You and I, is responsible for its life and its own web, because, after all, the spider, that is You and I, is ALL ALONE! 

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Akkulam Tourist Resort, an evening...

The 'quiet'

Tending towards the deep

The 'cool'

Nothing is insignificant

The 'Host'

Outside, from the inside


This side up!

One after the other

Shelter

Shy crow!

Nature's palette

Heavens

Heaven and Earth

I'm going

Enter the gates

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Saturday, December 24, 2011

Stranger


How about feeling strange at the most familiar place? It would be suffocating... Rather unsettling. Very uncomfortable indeed. One wouldnt desire to be in such disposition. But when one is actually placed in one, there is no other way that going through it.

Stranger

At this very moment, I am in one such place. It is awful. Especially when people around are capable of reading your face! You cant act in certain circumstances. Oh, it is terrible...
Can anyone live a strangers life all through? No. Its not possible. 
And if at all its possible, it would be the hardest form of torture available.
I feel like a stranger... Cant act. Cant pretend. I am caught.

Friday, December 23, 2011

After all...


It was a cold evening.
The moon high up in the sky was trying to peep out of its cloudy mask.
All was well except the occasional distant rumbling of thunder and faint fireworks.
Raju got up from his chair and walked to the window to breathe some fresh air. Standing at the window, he looked at the vast expanse of dark green fields spread over the edges of his vision.
As the moon came out, the fields shone in white silver light. Winds inspired plants to dance to some strange divine song.
He wondered if she would come that day. He wanted to see her once. She told him, she would come in the evening and leave the next morning for work. He was so happy hearing that. By all means, he wanted to see her.
The moon was completely out by then. He could see clouds receding into the corners of the sky. Good omen- thought he. Even the moon is welcoming her tonight... He smiled to himself.

*****

On the ground floor, Lina was preparing dinner for Raju. She knew that if she was late, he wouldn't eat. He had a menu that was unchangeable. She had learned long back to accept such idiosyncrasies of her husband. More over, she loved him more than her own very life.
She arranged everything on a tray and checked everything one final time before picking it up. No mistakes.
As she climbed the steps, she heard him murmuring something. She knew what it was. He was cursing someone or something. He would be angry because the one he expected didn't come.
His room  was locked from outside- like most mentally sick men's. She opened the room, entered and placed the tray on the table. He looked back at her. He looked furious. He shouted some gibberish at her and asked her to get away. He wanted privacy when his special guest- his girl- came.
She came out and locked the door from outside. While wiping her eyes, she consoled herself. He might be a mad man for everyone, not for me. She knew that her mad husband was waiting for none other than herself. She knew how much he loved her.
'After all, I am the one who is to come," said Lina to herself, while washing dishes.

Christmas shots 2

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Christmas shots

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Ellipsis

...
Three dots...
They are my favourites...
Whenever I find words insufficient to express my woes, I call upon three dots...
Recently, One of my friends asked me what is the name of these three dots...
I didn't know!
So I wondered, Blinked and gaped!
Then came the answer from the source of the question itself.
It's ELLIPSIS.
Hmmm...
Nice name. Ellipsis. The name sounds exactly like three dots. Mysterious and unfamiliar, yet familiar and so clear...
After that incident, whenever I used three dots, I remembered that I knew those three dots- ellipsis.
I knew them by name. Ellipsis.
I owe a lot to them, because they helped me to express, better than I could with words. They saved my efforts, my dignity and my taste. I owe a lot to them.
Ellipsis. I love it.Unity in diversity. Three, yet one in structure and use. I love it.
Let me then end this little note with an ellipsis- because, I doubt whether I said enough about 'Ellipsis-es'...
...

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Aravumaadukal!

മടുത്തിരിക്കുന്നു
ജീവിതത്തില്‍ നേടിയെടുത്തതും സ്വതേ ഉണ്ടായതുമായ ഉറപ്പുകളുടെ മുകളില്‍ ജീവിച്ചു മടുത്തിരിക്കുന്നു.
മറുപുരമില്ലാത്ത തീരുമാനങ്ങള്‍ ആയിരുന്നു ജീവിതം മുഴുവന്‍...... .
അവയെ വെറുത്തു തുടങ്ങിയിട്ട് കാലം ഏറെയായി.
നേരെതിരുകളെ വേലി കെട്ടി തിരിക്കുന്ന മനസ്സിനും അതിന്റെ ധാര്‍ഷ്ട്യം കലര്‍ന്ന നിര്‍ബന്ധ ബുദ്ധിയും കൂടി ഇല്ലാതാക്കിയത് ഒരു പക്ഷെ മനോഹരമാകെണ്ടിയിരുന്ന വലിയ ഒരു സ്വന്പമാണ്.
ഈ സമൂഹവും അതിന്റെ തൊങ്ങല്‍ വച്ച കാപട്യവും കുടുംബ ബന്ധങ്ങളുടെ ശിധിലവും മുഖം മൂടി വച്ചതുമായ നാടകങ്ങളും മടുത്തിരിക്കുന്നു.
പല നേരങ്ങളിലും ഒന്നിലും ശ്രദ്ധ വയ്ക്കാന്‍ വയ്യാത്ത വണ്ണം മനസ്സിനെ കഷണങ്ങളാക്കി തകര്‍ക്കാന്‍ ഈ ചിന്തകള്‍ക്ക് കഴിയുന്നു. ഒരു ചിന്ത കുരിചിടാണോ ഒരു വാക്ക് ധ്യാനിക്കണോ, ഏകാന്തത തേടാനോ നേടാനോ അനുവദിക്കാത്ത വണ്ണം എന്തിലോയ്ക്കോ മനസ്സ് വലിചിഴയ്ക്കപെടുന്നു, തകര്‍തെരിയപ്പെടുന്നു.
നല്ലതെതെന്നു തിരിച്ചറിയാന്‍ എന്തുകൊണ്ട് സാധികുന്നില്ല? തിരിച്ചറിഞ്ഞാലും സംശയങ്ങളുടെ കൂരമ്പുകള്‍ കൊണ്ട് തിരിച്ചറിവുകള്‍ അകാല മൃത്യു പ്രാപിക്കുന്നു. ചിലവ രക്ഷപ്പെടുന്നെങ്കിലും തീരുമാനങ്ങളുടെ ധൃതരാഷ്ട്ര ആളിങ്ങനങ്ങളെ അതിജീവിക്കാന്‍ അവയ്ക്ക് കഴിയില്ല.
ആടുജീവിതങ്ങള്‍.!!!


അരുക്കപ്പെടാന്‍ വേണ്ടി കിട്ടുന്ന തീറ്റയ്ക്ക് വേണ്ടി വാസനകളെയും ത്രുഷ്ണകളെയും ബലി നല്‍കേണ്ടി വരുന്നവര്‍
അറവുമാടുകള്‍

After all...

It was a cold evening.
The moon high up in the sky was trying to peep out of its cloudy mask.
All was well except the occasional distant rumbling of thunder and faint fireworks.
Raju got up from his chair and walked to the window to breathe some fresh air. Standing at the window, he looked at the vast expanse of dark green fields spread over the edges of his vision.
As the moon came out, the fields shone in white silver light. Winds inspired plants to dance to some strange divine song.
He wondered if she would come that day. He wanted to see her once. She told him, she would come in the evening and leave the next morning for work. He was so happy hearing that. By all means, he wanted to see her.
The moon was completely out by then. He could see clouds receding into the corners of the sky. Good omen- thought he. Even the moon is welcoming her tonight... He smiled to himself.

*****

On the ground floor, Lina was preparing dinner for Raju. She knew that if she was late, he wouldn't eat. He had a menu that was unchangeable. She had learned long back to accept such idiosyncrasies of her husband. More over, she loved him more than her own very life.
She arranged everything on a tray and checked everything one final time before picking it up. No mistakes.
As she climbed the steps, she heard him murmuring something. She knew what it was. He was cursing someone or something. He would be angry because the one he expected didn't come.
His room  was locked from outside- like most mentally sick men's. She opened the room, entered and placed the tray on the table. He looked back at her. He looked furious. He shouted some gibberish at her and asked her to get away. He wanted privacy when his special guest- his girl- came.
She came out and locked the door from outside. While wiping her eyes, she consoled herself. He might be a mad man for everyone, not for me. She knew that her mad husband was waiting for none other than herself. She knew how much he loved her.
'After all, I am the one who is to come," said Lina to herself, while washing dishes.

Lead Kindly Light

What am I?
Wish I had an answer for that question. If at all there is an answer, I wouldn't be sure if I want to know it. What do you say dear reader? Do you wish to know what you are?
Like you, I too have faced this question umpteen times during this short life. Even now, I am forced to probe for an answer.
Like you, I always ended up with no answer.
Is it frustrating? What do you think?
For me, it is very unsettling. It throws me upside down into the dark abyss of doubt and despair. Is it your experience too?
And when you turn to the altar to pray, you are greeted with serene silence. When you need an answer SOS, someone mocks you with divine silence. Is it consoling?

I stand before you, like a child.
Lead, Kindly Light...

VADA

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moon above Hostel

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Cocroach in my cupboard

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CHILDLINE Trivandrum District Resource Map

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Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Two glimpses

 Evening Sky at Loyola Men's Hostel, Trivandrum



 Craving

Monday, December 19, 2011

Ongoing pain!


Today is a day of sorrow, since I heard the voice.
Its a long time now, but haven't forgotten its tint.
Soft like a flower, yet cold in its center and sharp on the edges.
It fell on my ears, like rain on a summer's day.

I wonder, why I'm alive! when life is just a dream.
Distance is like a tree: it grows, yet no one sees.
So the tree grew, gave shade for me to rest.
And now, I shed tears. Drops aren't there, but flows.

'Come back, you coward'- I often have to tell my mind.
For it backs off like a dog in an unseen clan.
When back, I'm at home, the real me, the monster.
For it knows someone's sad, knowing well that I'm mad.

Destiny! I never believed in it, even when my pulses proved it.
To be was my destiny? May be! because I never wanted to be!
Shadows grew too long till the black ate the white.
Till the doors of my life were unsafe in the night.

Ah! Yes, the voice. It still is loud like the evening Sun.
As always, it pricks the softest of all flesh- the heart.
When the pain recedes, I realize that voice wasn't real.
Then begins THE pain, for what's lost causes greater pain!

Conversation

.

Friend 1: ഒത്തിരി അകലെ നീറുന്ന മനസും കത്തുന്ന വികാരങ്ങളും ഉള്ള ഒരു മനുഷ്യന്‍ എന്നെ കാത്ത് ഒറ്റയ്ക്ക് ഇരിക്കുന്നു എന്നാ ചിന്ത എന്നെ ജീവനോടെ കൊല്ലുന്നു... ഒരുപക്ഷേ എനിക്കുള്ള നൊമ്പരം അങ്ങും കാണും- പതിന്മടങ്ങായി... ഇത്തരം നിമിഷങ്ങളില്‍ എനിക്ക് ജീവന്ക്കളും ഇഷ്ടം ഇരുട്ടിനെയാണ്.. ഒന്നും കാണാന്‍ കഴിയാത്ത ഇരുട്ട്...

Friend 2: at least u have someone waiting...

Friend 1: :-(  And that what kills me! Grills me alive! Everything beautiful in this world makes me smile and then pause.. And then my smile turns pale.. In some unknown emotion, I turn away from what makes me sing... It stings! 

Friend 2: put that up in ur blog....

Friend 1: Impossible... She reads my blog! Wont do anything that would possibly hurt her

Friend 1: Because i have hurt enough

Friend 2: How do u manage?

Friend 1: :-) Good question. But the fact is I DON'T manage it! If I am the person you see, its her loving generosity.. Nothing else.. How can I manage? There is no management in love as far as I know.. There are no explanations, no reasons, no fumbling.. I silently accepted... Cruelly accepted...

Friend 2: Shut up!!!! You make me morose!

Friend 1: Sorry sorry sorry sorry. (NB: I had to check the meaning of morose in dictionary :-P). Hope you 'goodnighted'. So good night.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

A Story from Nowhere


I was walking the streets yesterday. The slight drizzle and light reddish tint on the sky released a romantic aroma into the noise of the street. ‘Quite romantic’ I thought to myself humming my favourite love song. Everything around seemed listening to my hum. Even taxi cars moved according to the rhythm of my song. I could see smiles on the faces near me- naughty! Just then, wind blew, whispering secrets of hidden love in the ears of those who cared to listen.
Round the corner, I saw a little kitten walking up straight to me. Perfect! To top my feeling, this cute little kitten has now appeared from nowhere. It made sense to me to listen to nature - nature always speaks for one’s heart!
Wow! It is walking towards me. I can’t believe it is walking. Look at its stride- royal, yet sweet and elegant. White like snow, its face is so divine. I just stood there looking at the cutest cat ever. The din and bustle of the street seemed non-existent. I felt focused and streamlined.
Then it happened. Out of nowhere, like a monstrous devil, a huge trailer lorry at roaring speed came dashing at the poor little kitten. Helpless, it tried to evade the deadly host of black wheels of the lorry, but in vain. Struck by the urgency of the moment, but frozen by the stench of reality, I remained motionless. The kitten had already been gone- gone into the saddest pages of my memories. Suddenly everything looked bloody red.
The drizzle continued, accompanied by red tinted sky and soft breeze. But nature screamed  quite another story now- nature always speaks for one’s heart. 
It occurred to me, that a story was born. 
Yes, one story is born, when another ends!