Revelations

No one is reading my blog!
Crashing down on me this Sunday morning, this thought came like a thunderbolt. Sooner than I thought, I decided to do something about it- to stop writing! Oh no, how can I do it? I started writing at no one's request. How can I stop writing at someone's neglect? I found that a better argument and decided to go on writing without a reader. May be one day, when I am 'famous' (:-D) someone will read what I write these days. Let me write first. As the tsunami news from Japan strikes ones ears, eyes and heart alike leaving us all in sheer helplessness, I would like to decide this way. To write.
Then again, No one is reading my blog!
I write in two languages. One language has roots and the other, taste. I like to swim in both. When I fly in thoughts, I also swim in writing. I enjoy this act. So I write. As Prof. Ashok told us in class, a text is distanced from its reader as soon as it is written. Then it has a life of its own. It will travel in space and time beyond the expectations and dreams of the authour, gathering meanings which were never intended. If it were not so, no writing would have been tasteful and original.
Thank god, I am able to convince myself to write.
So I will write, regardless of the fact that you never cared to read what I wrote.
I write, because Life necessitates me to write. It's my vocation.

:-)
I smile, and I write.

Enikenthinaadee Sandhya?

Unsettling thoughts

A constant unrest of my soul undoes the foundations of my existence as a human being. I wonder why do I have to see myself going all this way far into the unsettling distances of uncertainty. It's been so many years now. When there is calm, I call it peace. It's only to rise again to the depths of another meaning. How many times do I have to unsettle myself? How many times do I have to annihilate my own being just to wake up again to repeat this whole futile exercise?

I am realizing more and more that the charisma of positive hope is somehow escaping the very soul of my writings. I am not able to sustain the energy which can take me over the troubled waters of agony. I stop here. I find that an easier option.

It's a literary text that usually unsettles a reader who takes it seriously. In my case, it is life that does the job. It unsettles me and throws me out of my corner. A sense of wonder fills me, while looking into the abyss of 'non-existence'. Foggy and misty. Invisible if existent, the future is hidden- like every tomorrow.

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Puzhamamsam!

Home again!

.

Saw a man.
He looked at me.
Unlike me, he looked with compassion.
I said, "I'm home again."

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I need just a moment!

Farewell

In moments like these, I wish I were still in the womb of my mother… safe and sound, protected and loved by infinite care… like a pup, a little chick just out of the eggshell… I don’t belong in this world where blasphemy and treachery are the order of the day…

I miss love… love of a mother… love that could inject adrenalin into the arteries of my heart and smiles into my dry lips. Isn’t it suffocating to live in a tunnel with no air, and no light at the other end? It is. Count on me, it is suffocating to live when death is the only option you have. One cannot gladly decide to live? Then, can one gladly decide to die? Oh no! That’s why I said, in the absence of options, it’s not easy to live or die…

Arid desert, unending nothingness and dreamless nights! These are enough to put one’s soul into the infinite abyss of uncertainty and chaos. My soul is put up for sale long back. Even Satan is not bidding for my soul, just because it has a non-erasable mark on it! Alas! Love has such favours done to its preys. I am fallen for love and am there dying comfortably in the lull of glad feelings.

I am feeling terrible because I am feeling good. All the comforts I have now, all the love I have at this moment, all the friends I have point to one single missing thing in my life. That precious missing stuff is the meaning of my life.

I miss meaning. I miss everything though I have everything. I am happy. But my happiness is empty. I am peaceful. But my peace is like that in the cemetery. 

Therefore, I am retiring into the valley of silence. I am going. Please don’t look for me or come after me, because I am going to be alone.

ALONE!

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