അപ്പുറവും ഇപ്പുറവും ഇടയ്ക്ക് ജീവിതവും

മഴ കഴിഞ്ഞതും എനിക്ക് എന്തെന്നില്ലാത്ത വീര്‍പ്പുമുട്ടല്‍ തോന്നി. എന്റെ ഉള്ളിലെ എല്ലാ വിഷമങ്ങളും എല്ലാ സ്നേഹവും എല്ലാ ചിരികളും ഒരുമിച്ച് പുറത്തുവരുന്നതുപോലെ... മഴത്തണുപ്പില്‍ ഞാന്‍ അമർന്നിരുന്നില്ല. എനിക്കതിനു കഴിഞ്ഞില്ല. മഴയുടെ അവസാന തുള്ളികള്‍ ഇലത്തലപ്പുകളില്‍ വീണുതീരുമ്പോഴേയ്ക്കും ഞാന്‍ കുളിക്കാന്‍ ഇറങ്ങി. കിണറ്റില്‍നിന്നും അലുമിനിയം തൊട്ടിയില്‍ കോരിയ തണുത്ത വെള്ളം തുടരെ തുരടെ ഞാന്‍ എന്റെ തലയില്‍ ഒഴിച്ചു. ഓറഞ്ച് നിറമുള്ള സോപ്പിന്റെ കഷണം കൊണ്ട് ശരീരം പതപ്പിച്ച് വീണ്ടും വെള്ളംകോരി ഒഴിച്ചു. നല്ല തണുപ്പ്. 

ഇരുണ്ട ആകാശത്തിന്റെ കീഴില്‍ നാലുചുറ്റും ഇടതൂര്‍ന്ന് നില്‍ക്കുന്ന മരങ്ങളുടെ ഇടയില്‍ നഗ്നനായി നിന്ന് വെളുത്ത ഇഴകളുള്ള തോര്‍ത്തുകൊണ്ട് ശരീരം തോര്‍ത്തി ഉണക്കി, അത് ഉച്ചത്തില്‍ കുടഞ്ഞുടുത്ത്  ഞാന്‍ വീട്ടിലേയ്ക്ക് നടന്നു. തുറന്നു കിടന്ന വാതിലിലൂടെ അല്പം വെളിച്ചം പുറത്തേയ്ക്ക് വരുന്നുണ്ട്. ഒരീയാംപാറ്റയെപ്പോലെ ഞാനാ വെളിച്ചം നോക്കി നടന്നു. 

വീടിനുള്ളില്‍ കടന്നതും എന്റെ വികാരങ്ങള്‍ എന്നെയും കടന്ന് വീടിന്റെ മച്ചും കടന്ന് ആകാശത്തേയ്ക്ക് ഉയരത്തിലേയ്ക്ക് പറന്നകന്നു. എന്‍റെ ഉയിരും ഊരും അക്കൂടെ പറന്നു പോയി. എന്റെ ഉയിരിന് ഉയരത്തില്‍ നിന്നുള്ള കാഴ്ച വളരെ മനോഹരമായി തോന്നി. മരങ്ങളുടെ തലപ്പുകള്‍ക്കിടയില്‍ എന്റെ ഓടിട്ട വീട് ഒരു ചതുരപ്പൊട്ടുപോലെ... 

മരണമൊക്കെ ഇത്ര മനോഹരമായിരുന്നോ എന്ന് മരിച്ചവര്‍ക്ക് മാത്രമേ സംശയിക്കാന്‍ പറ്റൂ. ജീവനുള്ളപ്പോള്‍ മനുഷ്യര്‍ മരണത്തെ ഭയപ്പെടുന്നു. എന്നാല്‍ മരണപ്പെട്ടുകഴിയുമ്പോള്‍ മനുഷ്യന്‍ അതിന്റെ ഭംഗിയില്‍ ലയിക്കുന്നു. കാരണം മരണത്തിന് ജീവിച്ചിരിക്കുമ്പോള്‍ പറഞ്ഞറിയിക്കാന്‍ പറ്റാത്ത ഒരു ഭംഗി ഉണ്ട്. സ്വാതന്ത്ര്യത്തിന്‍റെ, കെട്ടുപൊട്ടിയതിന്റെ, ബാധ്യതകള്‍ ഇല്ലാത്തതിന്റെ ഒരു ഭംഗി. ഈ ഭംഗിയെ വര്‍ണിക്കാന്‍ നമുക്ക് മലയാള ഭാഷയില്‍ വാക്കുകള്‍ ഇല്ല. അത് അനുഭവിച്ചവര്‍ക്കെ അത് മനസ്സിലാവൂ. നിങ്ങള്‍ ഇത് വായിക്കുന്നുവെങ്കില്‍ നിങ്ങള്‍ക്ക് ജീവിച്ചിരിക്കുന്നു എന്നര്‍ഥം. നിങ്ങള്‍ക്കത് മനസ്സിലാവില്ല. 

രാവിലെ എഴുന്നേല്‍ക്കുമ്പോള്‍ നിങ്ങള്‍ എന്താണ് ചിന്തിക്കുന്നത്? കുളിക്കണം, കഴിക്കണം, ജോലിക്ക് പോകണം, അങ്ങനെയല്ലേ? മരിച്ചവര്‍ക്ക് അങ്ങനെയല്ല. അവർക്ക് രാത്രിയില്ല, പുലരിയില്ല. അവർക്ക് സമയം ഒരു പ്രതലം പോലെയാണ്. ജീവിച്ചിരിക്കുമ്പോള്‍ നമ്മള്‍ കാണുന്നത് സമയത്തിന്റെ ഒരു മാത്ര മാത്രമാണ്. ഭൂതമോ ഭാവിയോ നമുക്ക് കാണാനാവില്ല. പക്ഷെ, മരണശേഷം സമയത്തിന്റെ മാനം മാറുന്നു. നിങ്ങള്‍ ഒരു മരത്തെ നോക്കുമ്പോള്‍ അതിന്റെ ഇലകളും ചില്ലകളും തടിയും അതിലെ കിളികളെയും പിന്നിലുള്ള മറ്റ് മരങ്ങളെയും മലകലെയുമെല്ലാം കാണുന്നപോലെ മരിച്ചവര്‍ സമയത്തെ മുഴുവന്‍ ഒറ്റ നോട്ടത്തില്‍ കാണുന്നു. ഇന്നലെയും ഇന്നും നാളെയും ഒറ്റ നോട്ടത്തില്‍ കാണുന്നു. എത്ര മനോഹരം അല്ലെ?

ഒരു മഞ്ഞുപാളി പോലെ ഉയരങ്ങളിലേയ്ക്ക് പോകുമ്പോള്‍ എന്റെ വീട് ചെറുതായിക്കൊണ്ടിരുന്നു. പക്ഷേ, എന്റെ ലോകം വലുതായിക്കൊണ്ടിരുന്നു. അല്പം നിമിഷങ്ങൾക്ക് മുന്നേ എനിക്കുചുറ്റും കുറച്ചുമരങ്ങളേ ഉണ്ടായിരുന്നുള്ളു. ഇപ്പൊ ഒരു കാടുതന്നെ ഉണ്ട് എന്റെ ലോകത്ത്. മേഘങ്ങൾ എന്റെ ഉള്ളിലൂടെ കടന്നു പോകുന്നു; ഞാൻ അവരുടെ ഉള്ളിലൂടെയും. കാറ്റും ഞാനും ഒന്നായതുപോലെ. ഉയർന്നുയർന്ന് എനിക്കിപ്പോ ഭൂമി കാണാം. ഒരു നീല മുത്തുപോലെ. ചുറ്റും മനുഷ്യൻ തൊടുത്തു വിട്ട ഉപഗ്രഹങ്ങളും ചന്ദ്രനും. പക്ഷെ,  എനിക്ക് എന്റെ വീടും ഈ ശൂന്യാകാശവുംവും ഒരുപോലെ അടുത്തുണ്ട്. മാറ്റുവാക്കുകളിൽ പറഞ്ഞാൽ, സമയത്തെപ്പോലെ വസ്തുക്കളും അവയ്ക്കിടയിൽ അകലവും ഒരു മേശപോലെ എനിക്ക് മുന്നിൽ കാണാം. അകലം എന്നൊന്ന് ഇപ്പൊ ഇല്ല. ദൂരങ്ങൾ മാനുഷികമാണ്, അവ ജീവനുമായി ബന്ധിപ്പിച്ചിരിക്കുന്നു. എനിക്ക് ഒരേ സമയം ഇവിടെ ശൂന്യാകാശത്തും എന്റെ കിണറിനടുത്തും ആയിരിക്കാം. ഇവിടെയും അവിടെയും ഒരേ സമയം: എത്ര മനോഹരം, അല്ലേ?

അകലങ്ങളിൽ, അങ്ങുദൂരെ എത്തിയപ്പോൾ ഭൂമി എന്ന നനഞ്ഞ കുഞ്ഞൻ പാറക്കല്ല് എത്ര നിസ്സാരമായിരുന്നു എന്ന് മനസ്സിലായി. എന്റെ അഹങ്കാരവും, വിഷമങ്ങളും, വഴക്കുകളും, കടങ്ങളും, സമ്പത്തും, രാഷ്ട്രീയവും, കച്ചവടവും, രാജ്യങ്ങൾ തമ്മിലുള്ള യുദ്ധവും ചങ്ങാത്തവും, ചന്ദ്രന്റെ നിലാവും, സൂര്യന്റെ നിറവും ചൂടും നിഷ്പ്രഭമായി എനിക്ക് തോന്നി. ഭൂമിയിലായിരുന്നപ്പോ, വെയിലുകൊണ്ട് പൊള്ളിയതൊക്കെ ഓർത്ത് ചിരി വന്നു. സൂര്യന്റെ ഉള്ളിലൂടെ കടന്ന് മറുപുറം കടന്നപ്പോഴേയ്ക്കും ജീവൻ ഒരു മഴത്തുള്ളിപോലെ മനോഹരവും എന്നാൽ അർഥശൂന്യവും, തണുപ്പിക്കുന്നതും എന്നാൽ മനസ്സിലാക്കാനാവാത്തതും ആണെന്ന് ആരോ പറയുംപോലെ തോന്നി. ചുറ്റും മണലുവാരിയിട്ടതുപോലെ ചിതറിക്കിടക്കുന്ന ഗ്രഹങ്ങളും നക്ഷത്രങ്ങളും തമോഗർത്തങ്ങളും പേരറിയാത്ത നൂറായിരം അത്ഭുതങ്ങളും. അതിനെയൊക്കെ പൊതിയുന്ന നിർവികാരമായ ശൂന്യതയും. അതിൽ കുടികൊള്ളുന്ന പരകോടി സാധ്യതകൾ. മരണത്തിനു മുൻപേ തോന്നിയ വികാരങ്ങൾ ഇപ്പൊ ഇരുട്ടുപോലെ അല്ലെങ്കിൽ പ്രകാശം പോലെ എങ്ങും പരന്നുകിടന്നു. എനിക്ക് എല്ലാം അനുഭവിക്കാൻ പറ്റുന്നുണ്ട്. ഒരേ സമയം. എല്ലാ സമയവും. ഒരേ ഇടത്ത്. എല്ലായിടത്തും. ഈ അനുഭവത്തെ തേടി എത്രയോ മനുഷ്യർ ജീവിതം മുഴുവൻ ചിലവിട്ടു? ജീവിതത്തിന്റെ മരീചികയ്ക്കപ്പുറത്തു മാത്രമേ ഇത് കിട്ടൂ എന്നറിയാതെ! 

ചില്ലറത്തുട്ടുകൾക്കു വേണ്ടി ജീവിതം മുഴുവൻ നിമിഷങ്ങളെ ഉഴുതു മറിച്ചതൊക്കെ ഇപ്പൊ വെറുതെയായി. അതിനൊന്നും ഒരർത്ഥവും ഇല്ല. കഷ്ടപ്പെട്ട് വാങ്ങിയ വീട്? ഉണ്ണാതെ ഉടുക്കാതെ ഉണ്ടാക്കിയ പണം? സമരസപ്പെട്ട് ഉണ്ടാക്കിയ ബന്ധങ്ങൾ? രക്തബന്ധങ്ങൾ? ഒന്നും ഇപ്പൊ ഇല്ല. എല്ലാം ജീവൻ എന്ന മരീചികയുടെ അപ്പുറമുള്ള തമാശകൾ മാത്രം. സമയം ഇല്ലാതായി. അകലം ഇല്ലാതായി. വികാരവും വിചാരവും ഇല്ലാതായി. ഉള്ളത് അനന്തമായ സാന്നിധ്യം മാത്രം. അനന്തമായ ശൂന്യത മാത്രം. 

അനന്തതയും ശൂന്യതയും ഒന്നുതന്നെയാണെന്ന് ഇപ്പൊ ബോധ്യമാവുന്നു. ചിത്രത്തിൽ വിചിത്രവും കൗതുകകരവുമായ ഒരുപാട് കാഴ്ചകൾ ഒരുമിച്ച് നിറയുന്നു. അതേസമയം ശൂന്യതയാണ് ഇതിനെയൊക്കെ ഉൾക്കൊള്ളുന്നത് എന്നത് ഒരു സത്യം! അതെങ്ങനെ? ശൂന്യതയിൽ വസ്തുക്കൾ ഇരിക്കുന്നതെങ്ങനെ? ഒന്നുമില്ലാത്തതല്ലേ ശൂന്യത? അതായത്, മനുഷ്യന്റെ കാഴ്ചപ്പാട് ജീവൻ ഇല്ലാതാവുന്നതോടെ ഇല്ലാതാവുന്നു. മനുഷ്യന്റെ അതിരുകൾ ജീവൻ ഇല്ലാതാവുന്നതോടെ ഇല്ലാതാവുന്നു. മറ്റു വാക്കുകളിൽ, ജീവൻ അതിർ വരമ്പുകൾക്കുള്ളിൽ മാത്രം നില നിൽക്കുന്ന ഒരു പ്രതിഭാസമാണ്. സമയത്തിനും ദൂരത്തിനും അനുഭൂതികൾക്കും വിധേയമായ അനുഭവങ്ങളാൽ പരിമിതപ്പെട്ട പ്രതിഭാസം. അതിന്റെ അതിർവരമ്പുകൾ പൊട്ടിച്ചെറിയുന്നത് മരണമാണ്. 

അതുകൊണ്ട് മരണമാണോ അഭികാമ്യം? ഈ ശൂന്യതയിൽ എല്ലാം കാണുകയും എല്ലാം അനുഭവിക്കുകയും ചെയ്യുമ്പോ എനിക്കത് പറയാൻ സാധിക്കുന്നില്ല. കാരണം, രണ്ട് അനുഭവങ്ങൾക്കും അവയുടെ മേന്മയുണ്ട്. ജീവിതത്തിന് ശേഷം മരണമാണ്, പക്ഷേ, ജീവിതത്തിന് മുമ്പ് എന്തായിരുന്നു? അറയില്ല. പക്ഷേ, രണ്ടും ജീവനുള്ള എല്ലാത്തിനും ഉണ്ട്. പുഴുവിനും മനുഷ്യനും പുല്ലിനും അവ രണ്ടും ഉണ്ട്. ജീവന് അപ്പുറവും ഇപ്പുറവും ഈ ശൂന്യതയാണ് ഉള്ളത്. ഇടയിലുള്ളത് ജീവന്റെ വരയിൽ കുടുങ്ങിയ ഏതാനും ദിവസങ്ങളും മണിക്കൂറുകളും മാത്രം. അത് കഴിഞ്ഞാൽ വീണ്ടും ശൂന്യമായ അനന്തതയിൽ എല്ലായിടത്തും ഇപ്പോഴും എല്ലാമായി എല്ലാവരുമായി വിരാജിക്കാം.

കൊള്ളാം അല്ലേ?

Being is Happiness

At times, I wonder about the direction of my life in general. 

Life is a series of moments. In childhood I aspired to be someone, in youth I became someone, and in old age I die. In this scheme, my role is limited to merely being present. Can I do more? Could I have done more? Will I have done more? These are meaningless questions as long as I have nothing to do with life, except being present at the moment. 

When I think of this as a philosophical truth, I realise that most of my life was spent in meaningless pursuits. In my childhood, I spent my time in becoming someone. In my youth, I continued and became someone. This someone was not exactly the someone I had planned to become. Therefore, there was frustration and disappointment in being that different someone. Throughout midlife, I continued to adapt to my ideal self by feeling guilty, pretending to be another and spending time and money on that becoming. Meaningless pursuits. 

On the road I saw an old lady this morning. She was combing her hair under a metro station. He had all her belongings in a small sack-bag. She didn't look very clean. Her face didn't look the happiest. But she was determined to do that one thing she was doing - combing her hair. I walked past her in a hurry to reach home. At home, as I write this, I reflect back a
nd wonder if she was happy! I saw another lady who had two cats on leashes. She was tying them to the sidewalk rails. Was she happy? 

Then again, I look back inside myself ans ask, am I happy? Yes. I am happy. Why am I happy? Is it because I possess things? Honestly, I possess fewer things than most people. I have clothes that will fit in a suit case, books in another, 3 digital devices,  4 musical instruments, a watch, an umbrella, 4 pairs of footwear, some furniture, a few household electronics items, a two&four wheeler and miscellaneous items like stationery and cutlery. Oh that is a bit too many for a happy person. However, if fewer things make me happier, I should strive not to accumulate more, or shed a few in the coming days, shouldn't I?

Coming back to the direction of life in general: Is it forward looking, backward looking or not looking anywhere? I feel that it shouldn't be directional. Life should be about a state of being, not about moving forward and backward. If being in the moment gives me pleasure, that is the most you could achieve. Could you have achieved more? May be. But the pleasure of being in the moment is not about degrees, but about the state of being. If you are happy now, you could be happy for ever. Because, forever is just a series of nows. 

Is there a god?

Every time we plan to buy a pack of biscuits worth ten bucks, we look for the best brand. We choose the biscuit of our liking based on whether the manufacturer is trustworthy or not. I wouldn’t buy my biscuits based on recommendations of celebrity brand ambassadors. The same is the case when we buy cars or houses. For that matter, we do not spend a pie without properly knowing what we are buying. But as believers, do we every try to verify the authenticity of gods? Do we at least try to see if a god is real or not? Not really. No one tries to verify anything related to gods.

What is God? No one really knows. Where is god? No one really knows. Has anyone seen a god? No, no one in their normal senses has seen a god. Yet everyone believes in gods. Some believe in a unitary god, some in multiple gods. But irrespective of the type of belief, everyone blindly believes in some kind of god/gods.

The only proven way to verify the existence of a god is ‘spiritual’. I mean, the use of some pure spirit of sorts. Intoxication is a known resource that induces apparitions, messages, bliss, and nirvana. It is one kind of hallucination. Once in a state of trance induced by some sort of spirit, people will be able to experience, communicate and interact with the supernatural. Others do not EVER ‘experience’ god, but believe ‘blindly’ in that entity.

Picture from here

In my opinion, human beings postulated the concept of god because they were cowards and were afraid of taking responsibility of their lives. By ascribing the copyright of the world’s design to some unknown entity, humans conveniently transferred the responsibility for their own lives to a god. How funny is that! What is funnier is that even after so much cultural, scientific and philosophic advancement, humans continue to believe in this fictional character to be the almighty. I believe, the fault lies in our genes. Other animals don’t have this problem. Their genes are programmed to perform in certain ways where there is no scope for cartoon characters. From birth to death, they fulfil their functions and take full responsibility of their lives. They live beautiful lives. No fights, no wars, no jealousy and no sadness or madness. On the other hand, humans who believe in a supreme being fight wars just for the sake of their ego, and wallow in an ocean of their own tears.

What can we say? A world without gods would have been better? A world without gods would be more human? Whatever we say, the fact remains: that human believers are cowards. So, wake up. Take responsibility of your own lives. Be yourselves. Be human.

LIFE

Small things.

A look.

A smile.

A pat.

Thoughtful gifts.

Some love.

A little compassion.

Life!

 

Forty days and forty nights

Its forty days. And forty nights. Feels like its forty years. But to count, its just forty days and forty nights. Just over a month. Spread over my mental landscape like a barren desert with distant oases- forty days and forty nights. Forty countable time periods… just forty of them. But if you count the drops of tears that I shed during those forty… I am left with no words to recount what they were for me. But there is a swelling within which always threatens to explore. A swelling so full of pain, agony, love and loneliness. So life-like I guess. I listen to Lionel Richie, Hariharan… and go down into the abyss of reflection about my state.

When I get up in the morning, I ask myself- ‘what's next?’ There’s no answer I know. But what if there is… Forty mornings have heard this question, but none heard its answer.

The forty were spent on trains, buses, dingy lodge rooms, red hot Hyderabad streets, cheap hotel tables, verandas of old buildings, at the ends of long and never ending queues, and lost in thoughts about what is the meaning of all these… Whenever I turned around hearing a ‘no’ or a ‘sorry’, I went back into thoughts about meaning. Of late, I wonder if I am searching for a job or meaning…

In one of my literature classes there were discussions of meaning making, and life as a process of meaning making. Now I understand what it all meant. It is true. Life is meaning making. Whenever I went down the narrow fissure of despair, there came a voice from within that told me to wait till the meaning is revealed. A long wait for a revelation- LIFE.

But it sucks to learn that its not easy to wait indefinitely. While you wait at a hotel table, you know your food is being cooked. When you wait in the railway booking queue, you know your turn is this far. But when you wait for meaning, you don’t know till when or if at all! That’s what sucks…

Once, in a cave-like lodge room in Ernakulam, I was amazed by the dedication with which scores of mosquitoes kept on trying to suck me dry of my blood. I wondered why I lack that kind of enthusiasm about my own life. Then I realized that whatever happened to me was the outcome of what I have within. There is nothing unexpected and unplanned in life. Even death and accidents could be expected and planned. One should be prepared for anything. One should be prepared to attempt till one’s prey is sucked dry of blood- just like those Ernakulam mosquitoes.

So its forty days and forty nights now. Forty days and forty nights of itinerant existence, address-less-ness, anxiety, and uncertainty.

Today, sitting in the chill and heights of my room, I can see these forty days and nights laid out like a collage on the busy streets and tall buildings around. Dark and bright, they hold up their ups and downs for me to see. Forty pieces of them. Forty pairs of them. One for each day and night. I can hear people, smell spoilt food, see frowns and smiles of people I love/d on those forty pieces of collage- sort of jigsaw puzzle I would say. From this height, I can see they take a shape… a definite shape of something which I can’t make out… Probably I will have to wait. For another revelation of kinds.. I am reminded of my literature class again, and the sweetest of all teachers I had… Unfolding meaning. Meaning making. LIFE.

Yes, I realize. It is life. The unfolding. The revelation. LIFE. Life in a crucible of love, pain and loneliness. That’s what it is- Life in forty days and forty nights.

An aunt and a crow!

Whenever I go home, there are a few things I make sure I do. Some of them are visiting old Kunjaamma at Neeloor, praying at St. Joseph's Church Neeloor and staying a full day at home. But there are a few more things that I desire to do. One of them is visiting my aunt Eliammachi. 

There are many stories of my childhood that they narrate to me. I was the third child of my mother. And my mother was the eldest of 7 sisters. No other sister was married when I was born. So I was the baby of all those 7 sisters. Imagine how love-rich I was. May be, I was never even put down on the bed if each one wanted to caress me for a while!

'Eliammachi'

Eliammachi was my mother's younger sister. She is an extremely beautiful woman. Lovely woman. She is all love. There is always a smile on her face for me. And a kiss for me when I bid farewell. She has gone through tough times for the last decade. But she has managed to maintain her smile and love through all the hardships.

One story she narrates to me is this. When I was a little baby, she took me to the church once. Since mother's home was on a hilltop, it demanded a lot of mountaineering. Anyway, she carried me down the hill to the church. After church, on the way back, she bought me a bun which i liked. I happily rested on her shoulder, nibbling on the bun I got.

It was sunny and hot and the climb was steep. She opened her umbrella so that I won't be burned in the heat. After a while, when my aunt looked back, she found my bun almost fully eaten. Wondering how the little baby could eat that much, she observed me while walking.

When the story reaches this point, she will stop and break into uncontrollable laughter. It seems, a crow was flying around behind us. It cleverly flew down and pecked on my bun little by little while the little me looked at it eating my bun. I can imagine my own face curiously looking at the crow stealing from my bun. My aunt would top the story saying cutely: "my son, you looked so innocent and calm then; as if you were allowing the crow to have its share".

She would pinch my cheeks saying this. And my eyes would be full of tears of joy and gratitude. Just like it is now... Eliammachi, I love you...

The Cling Cling way to a Young Plant’s Birth

Cling. Cling cling! My browser window calls my attention. It is around 11 pm. I wonder who it will be. Cling. Cling cling!

Oh wow! It’s a friend whom I adore. An artist. A free thinker. One who is not afraid of following his dreams. Reckless non-conformist. Ready to try anything. Handsome and young. I am surprised.

‘Hi’ said he.

‘Hi’ said I.

‘What news’

‘Nothing great. How about you?’

‘Nothing great either. Where are you? And how do you feel after all this turmoil? Are you settled and happy?’

I reply these… I like replying to him. I feel a pint of concern and genuine love in the ‘cling cling’ chat that comes up my browser. It is a human conversation.

Somewhere among these questions and answers, I feel a little seed breaking its shell and poking its first leaf out to breath. It is the first sprout of a friendship. And I love it.

I chirp on in my own way and he listens- that too in my own way!

Its 12 am. A new day is born. 


He says, ‘oh, its time to rest. This is my number' (cling cling). 'Leave me your number. I will call you sometime tomorrow.'

Smiles.

Good night.

The sprout is already a young plant. Green leaves and tender sap. A beautiful young plant. 

Good night.

A Pessimistic reflection

And again a 27th of May has come and is almost gone. What was special? A few more phone calls, few one liners on my social networking pages, more sms to be replied to, and of course a chicken biriyani that I bought myself as a gift. 


What reflection do I have apart from all these superfluous? I'm getting older. I have gone a year ahead. I am closer to the end by another year. Someone asked me today, what special did you do today? Honestly, I didn't do anything. Afterall, what could be special when you are alone in a city of one million busy people? I tried to read the novel I was reading- Silas Marner. Read a little. Slept a little. Now, thinking a little. 

Someone else told me that I didn't tell anyone about what happened to me recently. True. Very true- I didn't tell everyone. I wasn't asked either. Life and its sacred secrets are not to be trumpeted to 'curious' listeners. They only want to satisfy their curiosity. Why is noone able to see the pain that lies around me in broken bits? Why is it that we all turn self righteous when a friend suddenly becomes 'the other'? But I did tell those who needed to know, I believe. And as always, I don't go to mend damages done. If it had to be, it had to be. And if little things can affect greater things, BE IT SO. Life is teaching me lessons teachers didn't. 


In  the end, I take refuge in reflections of the other. Lyrics of MJ's 'You are not alone' goes this way- 

"Another day has gone

I'm still all alone
How could this be
You're not here with me
You never said goodbye
Someone tell me why
Did you have to go
And leave my world so cold

Everyday I sit and ask myself
How did love slip away
Something whispers in my ear and says
That you are not alone
I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay

But you are not alone
I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart
But you are not alone"


Which part of it is a message for me? I wonder. 


And I keep wondering. Till this day is gone and takes its place among the pigeon holed array of memory stack room. Pessimistic I know. But certainly realistic!

Take a deep breath...

Dear friend,

Take a deep breath,
Make up your mind,
Close your eyes,
Take off your fear
And jump,

Be assured of this.
That you will fall for sure.

You might break a heart or two. 
But you wont die of the fall,
Neither will you kill.

Because there is the fist of love,
Waiting to hit you hard with its soft velvety hands,
Only to make you feel more secure than ever.

So dear friend, 
Make up your mind, 
Close your eyes and jump.

And before that, remember to take a deep breath...

What is life after all???

A simple question is usually the answer-less one..
A simple sigh is usually the most relieving expression..
That's exactly why I don't understand life..

What is most reachable is the farthermost at times.
What is at hand is often unreachable.
That's exactly why I don't understand life..

I tremble to speak that simple word that could change my life.
I fear little children who can speak truth without inhibition.
That's exactly why I don't understand life.

What is life after all?
Moment after moments of doubt and fear?
No, it got to be more positive than the most negative.

That's again exactly why I don't understand life!

Voice Unheard...

Today is a day of sorrow, since I heard the voice.

Its a long time now, but haven't forgotten its tint.

Soft like a flower, yet cold in its center and sharp on the edges.

It fell on my ears, like rain on a summer's day.

I wonder, why I'm alive! when life is just a dream.

Distance is like a tree: it grows, yet no one sees.

So the tree grew, gave shade for me to rest.

And now, I shed tears. Drops aren't there, but flows.

'Come back, you coward'- I often have to tell my mind.

For it backs off like a dog in an unseen clan.

When back, I'm at home, the real me, the monster.

For it knows someone's sad, knowing well that I'm mad.

Destiny! I never believed in it, even when my pulses proved it.
To be was my destiny? May be! because I never wanted to be!

Shadows grew too long till the black ate the white.

Till the doors of my life were unsafe in the night.

Ah! Yes, the voice. It still is loud like the evening Sun.

As always, it pricks the softest of all flesh- the heart.

When the pain recedes, I realize that voice wasn't real.

Then begins THE pain, for what's lost causes greater pain!

എനിക്ക് അമ്മയെപ്പോലെ സ്നേഹിക്കണം.. സ്നേഹിച്ചു മരിക്കണം...

Miracle

What is a miracle? Dead man coming back to life, cure of terminal illness, Sun going black, elephants flying, etc... Yes, these are miracles.

But, usually we dont see these things happening in front of our eyes. To be true, mirales are our projections of impossible dreams. In other words, we name impossible things as miracles. By doing this, we also are confirming that miracles are 'never-to-be' incidents.

Yet I disagree with this idea of miracles. I see miracles all around, because I believe miracles are possible. And I see miracles happening aournd. You know what I am driving at: the smile of flowers, a baby's face, sun rising,... Sorry I did'nt mean that too.

I meant the lives of people. Confidence sparkling in their eyes, Beauty gleaming, Compassion that flows, Determination, etc.

Is'nt it a miracle when a human being comes back to life from despair and pessimism of the highest degree?

Dont you think it is a miracle to see a smile on the face of a woman while the whole body writhes in pain?

Dont you think it is a miracle to see someone walking with a crutches, with great difficulty, yet determined to WALK?

Do you not see miracle in the eyes of an old man, still waiting in hope, for his saviour?

I see miracle in their eyes, I see miracle in the air, because, I believe in miracles.

You have done me in!

You have done me in!
Yes, you have, because the moment I think of you, I am filled with tears, my voice trembles and I mumble. Truly, I go blind at the sight of your trace. Mind flies high for too long before coming down to the earth.
Ever since you left (rather I convinced myself that you left), I have been so how wonderful it would have been to be together…
I miss you.
I t was your pains, sorrows, joys, smiles, complaints, laughter and tears that filled and lit up my world. Now, devoid of them, heart lies vacant, deserted.
Love was…
I cherish those days.
And I miss the… badly…
Knowing it is impossible, I desire… for heart is such. It has no reason…. It only desires.

doore ninnum

Love

I don’t know how life would feel about the emptiness of my own soul. When life began like a stream gushing down the mountains of sorrows, it looked wonderful and there seemed no limits or boundaries that the little stream could not surrender. Then, life was a joy and smile was the food of every minute. To be the one who is happy was the call that we received....

 

But today, life has changed a lot. Sweetness is not to be found anywhere around the shelf of self. There, one could see a stream of lean water, flowing with much force towards a pond of little water. The thirst of the pond remains an everlasting desire, or dream that fills the emptiness of the stream with further nothingness. This is life today.

 

Everything has changed. Changed a lot.

There are good people in this world. These people whom we encounter become our consolation and our helping hand in times of difficulty. I love them. I have a lot of them in my life.

 

My friend, you are my friend for ever. Ever in my life would I starve for love, because you have filled my life with love. Overwhelming experiences of love and care project themselves as the zenith of union and companionship. I love those days. I love those moments. I love you.

 

Memory is the gift that god gave humans in order that he or she lives in the right path. When dear ones desert us, when dear ones are not near enough in space, we resort to memories in order to be able to live a life of sweetness and enthusiasm. My friend, you are not near me in space. But you cannot be nearer to me than now.

 

Today, I was thinking of you my dear friend. As usual, my eyes got wet and there was a lump in my throat. Raising my eyes to the almighty, once again I prayed that there may be roses in your path and thorns in mine.

 

But the speciality of today is that I began to thank god for the pain I have. All these days, I used to curse my pains and pray for your well being. But today, I prayed for you and thanked god for all my pains. I offered all my pains for your sake, that you may be safe and well in heart and body. As I have told you earlier, my only prayer is that you be well.

 

Again, I started thinking of future as we or I envisage. You and yours in a small nest of yours and me on my road. I thought I would not come your way again. It’s really painful. How could I ever think of getting out of you? But as we know very well, it’s good for both of us to remain away from each other. Don’t you think so? I do. I can’t live a single moment without your memories. But I cant stop thinking of and desiring for your goodness. I am selfish. But I am selfish for you friend. I love you. 

Still here

Yes I am still here...
Very much alive...
He is silent!
Very much silent...

Life goes on...
Like a stream that searches for meaning...
Still alive...
Yet...

If you see me,
Pray for me and for those I live for...
For they are my life...
They are what i die for...