Just In Case...

To love someone is to give your all.
But I would advise you to keep a bit for yourself.
Just in case…

As if There was No Tomorrow

That little dot in his heart began swelling as she disappeared from his sight. The colourless dot became big and black and globular. He felt suffocated. As he strained to follow the dust trail of her car, he realised that she was alone. "I am alone."

Why does this happen all over again breaking my heart the hundredth time into uncountable pieces! He swore as tears rushed to his still eyes and gushed down his stubborn bearded face. "She comes, she goes. I remain here like an island waiting to be inhabited."

The swell in his heart became unbearable. Rubbing his migraine infested temples he staggered back to his bed leaving the front door open. He didn't feel like eating, drinking or having a bath. He just felt dead enough to fall on to the bed. The bed still retained her scent, which saddened him even more.

Should I drink? He asked himself. Or should I have some medicine? He couldn't bother to answer his own questions. In the agony of being alone with a migraine and a blotch in the heart, he disappeared into deep deep sleep.

*****

A few miles away, on a moving car, another migraine was pounding its way into the core of her sanity. She felt like opening the door of the car and jumping out into the heavy traffic. She held a handwritten letter in her hand. One page in black ink. She was clutching it so hard that it crumpled so badly and was wet from the sweat of her palm. He had given it to her before she boarded the car. With thumping heart she read it. She cried so loud that the driver pulled the car over. "My heart would wrench and I will die."

Every time she left him, she would decide to stay the next time. But she was never able to decide. She was sad to leave him alone, but life had to go on. And she had to leave.

She looked at the letter one last time, shredded it in her hands and threw it out the window. Then looking out at the rocky hills by the roadside, she did what she always forced herself to do- turned her heart into stone by holding her breath for a really long time. It helped.

While the tear drops on her cheek dried in the wind, she drifted into deep deep sleep.

*****

At home, in the kitchen, a few black ants were trying to get what was left in a small glass bottle of poison. They too slowed down gradually and slept- as if there was no tomorrow.

Dripping with Love

My love, I'm dripping with love.

Through the mornings that miss you
And evenings that crave for you
My fingers and my veins thirst
And I begin dripping with love for you.

Those moments of affection filled silence
You and me over the misty lone coffee.
Wish I was there, sweating our passions off
Knowing heavens chose us to be.

And, thinking of you far far away
Missing your aroma moment by moment
Disintegrating in memories bit by bit,
My love, I'm still dripping with love for you.

From here

ദൂരങ്ങളില്‍

ദൂരങ്ങളില്‍,
കവിത വിരിയുമൊരു ഹൃദയം
സമയം തുഴഞ്ഞിങ്ങുയാത്രചെയ്യുന്നു.

ചക്രവാളച്ചുവപ്പിനുമപ്പുറം
തണുത്ത മേഘക്കപ്പുകളിലവള്‍
വിരഹം മൊത്തുന്നുണ്ടാവുമിപ്പോള്‍.

പുസ്തകമണങ്ങളില്‍പ്പെട്ടു
ദൂരമറിയാതെ ഞാനോ,
ഇത്തിരിവട്ടത്തില്‍
കാത്തിരിപ്പിന്‍റെ കൈയിലാകാശം നോക്കുന്നു.

പ്രണയം വാർന്നു വീഴുന്ന ദേഹവും നോക്കി
രണ്ടുപേരിങ്ങനെ...
ദൂരങ്ങളില്‍...

ശരീരമില്ലായ്മയുടെ പ്രണയം

അതല്ലേ പ്രണയം?
സ്പര്‍ശവും ചര്‍മ്മഗന്ധവും ഉന്മാദവും
നിഴലല്ലേ, നിറമല്ലേ, മാഞ്ഞുപോകും.
നിന്‍റെ പ്രണയം നിന്നോളം മാത്രം.

പുകമഞ്ഞിനപ്പുറമവളുണ്ടെന്നതും
പുസ്തകമണത്തിലോര്‍മ്മ പൂക്കുന്നതും
ഒരുമാത്ര മിന്നല്‍പ്പിണരിലവളുണരുന്നതും
മാത്രമല്ലേ പ്രണയം?

ദൂരകാലങ്ങളില്ലാതെ,
കരിയിലയനക്കങ്ങളില്‍
പരസ്പരം കാണ്മതല്ലേ പ്രണയം?
ശരീരമില്ലായ്മയിലല്ലേ പ്രണയം?

ഇരുട്ടിന്‍റെ ബലിച്ചോറ്

മകരമഞ്ഞു മായുമ്പോഴെങ്കിലും 

നീ അരികിലുണ്ടാവുമെന്ന്‍...

ഇന്നലെ,

നിലാവിന്‍റെ ചൂടില്‍ ഓര്‍മ്മകള്‍ കത്തിയമര്‍ന്നപ്പോള്‍

ഇനിയെന്നുകാണുമെന്ന്...

കനലടര്‍ന്ന കൊള്ളിയില്‍ പുകയായി ഞാന്‍മാത്രം ബാക്കിയായി.

ദൂരെ കരിപുരണ്ട വിരഹം ആര്‍ത്തിയോടെ കാത്തിരിക്കുന്നു.

ഇരുട്ടിന്‍റെ ബലിച്ചോറിന്നായി...

Snow roads

Keeper of my frangipanis,
Though far,
The dark sheen of your cheeks
Melts my melancholy away.

When your flowing hair sweeps over the flowers
Sprouted and bloomed in bereavement,
The snow-laden roads here gather some warmth.
For me, to smile.

മഞ്ഞുവഴികള്‍

എന്‍റെ ചെമ്പകങ്ങളുടെ തോട്ടക്കാരീ,
ദൂരെയാണെങ്കിലും
നിന്‍റെ കവിളുകളുടെ ഇരുണ്ട നിറമുള്ള തിളക്കം
എന്‍റെ വിഷാദമുരുക്കി മാറ്റുന്നു.
വിരഹം കിളിര്‍ത്തുപൂത്ത ചെമ്പകങ്ങളില്‍
നിന്‍റെ മുടിയിഴയോര്‍മ്മകള്‍ ചാഞ്ഞുവീണുപടരുമ്പോള്‍
അറിയാതെയെങ്കിലും പുഞ്ചിരിക്കാന്‍
ഇവിടങ്ങളില്‍
മഞ്ഞുവീണവഴികള്‍ ചൂടൊരുക്കാറുണ്ട്.

.

How I met your mom

Dear sweet daughter,

Education. Education is the single-most activity that can transform you!

When I see you my daughter, standing in front of me like a blooming flower, a promise, a covenant from god, a beautiful person, I am amazed at the ways life unfolds. If there wasn't a phrase like 'god's plan', how in world would I have talked about my life? But frankly, your question has thrown me overboard. You are only 9 and you started asking 'how did you meet my mom!' For the background in which I grew up, such a question is a shocker. I want to shout 'SHUT UP'. But after all, it is you who are asking. And apart from you and your mom, I haven't got anything in this world. So I should answer you in patience. You got the right to know my sweetie.

When I desired to enroll for an undergraduate programme in Physics in 2003, I didn't imagine that it would later transform my life. I was naive. Innocent and uneducated in the ways of the world. Then comes a Bachelor's Degree in Physics. Boom- I get married to a classmate. The man has found his woman and the woman, her man. You see, that's why I said- education can transform your life.

Its been so many years now, my sweetie. But, memory will not fail your mom and me when it comes to our days in college. Those were days! Days! We were not in love- now you have to note this point. We were not in love. We were friends. We both used to write poems, reflections and stories. To make the long story short, that's how it happened!

I know it doesn't satisfy your curiosity. I get a bachelor's degree, I lost my bachelorhood. It wasn't that easy. You see, we didn't fall in love and get injured. We slipped into love smoothly. There was no injury. But when we reached the bottom of that pit, we got injured. Inevitable. Now, if you are planning to fall in love and get married to your lover, you need to think of all odds. Once decided, you have to stick to your decision. Once you commit you have to remain committed. Like your mom and me. That's how it should be, because what you look for in a relationship is not the outer glitter and glamour, but the inner qualities. Peace, love, understanding, forgiveness, silence, capacity to endure hard times, a strong hand to support... the list is endless but important.

Like I said, we didn't fall, but slip into love. I mean, it wasn't instant. It took ten years to evolve into what you see. Like I told you in the beginning, phrases like 'god's plan' can be of help here. What else could explain this? My greed? Her selfishness? Those would have separated us. I would have been more successful and famous without your mom. She would have been richer and better employed without me. But you see, we were not looking for money, status or fame. We were looking inside each other. We found that there was genuine need for each other in each others' heart. So we decided to slip. We decided. This part is important because here, my homily on love begins. 'Love is a decision.' End of the homily.

At no stage in our relationship so far (during these 22 years of our togetherness), were we led astray from the path of love. Of course you see us fighting over many things. They are like cashew nuts in the cake your mom makes. They add flavour to the cake. They are sweet distractions. Our focus never was dim. We knew that our life was for you and your future, 4 years before your birth. We decided to live for you before you were even intellectually conceived! That my daughter, is called love. Again, love is a decision you stick to, even through tough times.

For us, the beginnings were difficult. We had no common religion. You know your mom visits temples and I visit churches. Everyone told us that when you come, it would be unjust to you to leave you in the middle. Everyone wanted to define your religion before you were born. But we were firm. Probably selfish about ourselves and you. Rebellious even. In our opinion, religion is an expression of one's faith from within. If someone is forced to accept a religion, there would be no expression. Moreover, conformity to social 'ordinariness' doesn't guarantee right action (see, I haven't forgotten my Philosophy lessons!). Therefore, we both decided to continue in our own faiths. We decided to give you freedom in choosing your faith too. This is very unconventional. People criticized us for what we did. But we believed in what we did. That is was right. You can judge us and decide if we are right or wrong. That's completely upto you. But know that love is a decision and we have decided to love you before you were born. You are the best gift that descended on the earth ever.

Why? Life has to go on. I wasn't to continue on my path, nor was your mom on hers. Life had to take its turns. It had to transform us. Certain decisions of ours transformed us. Then you happened. We are your parents. Thats what happened to us because we slipped. Into love.

There was a plan. God's plan. That's why I met your mom so that you could be born.

My sweetie, you will learn more about life and love as days go by. Your mom and I pray that there be a shade of cool love over you always. For that your mom and I will contribute our lives. Entire lives.

Love,
Dad.
Christmas, 2025.

PRANAYAM (PASSIONATE LOVE)

ചില നേരങ്ങളിൽ മരണമേ
നീയടുത്തുണ്ടായിരുന്നെങ്ങിലെന്നു ഞാൻ കൊതിച്ചുപോവുന്നു
ഇനിയും പൂക്കാത്ത മാഞ്ചില്ലകൾ
ഒടിച്ചെറിയുവാൻ തീയിടാൻ തീർക്കുവാൻ കൊതിക്കുന്നു ഞാൻ

കനൽ കേട്ടുപോയില്ലേ ചാരമായില്ലേ
അഗ്നി ഓർമയിൽ പോലുമില്ലല്ലോ,കാത്തിരിക്കുവതെന്തിനായ് ഞാൻ?
സ്നേഹമേ നീ മരുപ്പച്ചയായ്
ദൂരത്തുനിന്നും തന്ന മിന്നലാട്ടങ്ങളായിരുന്നൂ ജീവൻ- ഇതുവരെ
മിന്നലും കെട്ടി,ടിനാദവും മാഞ്ഞു
മരുപ്പച്ചയോർമയിൽ നിന്നും മാഞ്ഞുപോയ്, കാത്തിരിക്കുവതെന്തിനായ് ഞാൻ?

ഇവിടെ കാണ്മതു രണ്ടു കാഴ്ചകൾ
ആഴമറിയാത്തൊരാഴവും, രാത്രിതാൻ രാത്രിപോലിരിരുട്ടും
എനിക്കുള്ളത് രണ്ടു വഴികൾ
ചാടാമാഴത്തിലേയ്ക്ക്, നേരെ നടക്കാമിരുട്ടിലേയ്ക്ക്
രണ്ടിനുമുണ്ടു രക്ഷതൻ മുദ്രകൾ
രണ്ടായാലും ആഴമാമന്ധകാരം താണ്ടി പോകാം മരണത്തിലേയ്ക്ക്
മരണമേ നീ ഇത്രയുമടുത്തോ?
നമുക്കിടയിലിത്ര നാളും ഞാൻ കണ്ട നീണ്ട മറ മായയായിരുന്നോ?

വരട്ടേ ഞാൻ നിന്നരികിലേയ്ക്ക്?
നീട്ടുക നിന് കൈകളെ, തരിക ചുടുചുംബനങ്ങൾ, മരിക്കട്ടെ ഞാൻ

മരണമേ, നിന്നിലെയ്ക്കുണരട്ടെ
മരണമില്ലാത്തുരക്കത്തിലേയ്ക്ക് ജനിക്കട്ടെ ഞാൻ

തരിക നിന്റെ മാറും മനസ്സും
ചായട്ടെ ഞാൻ. മറയട്ടെ, ആഴമാമിരുട്ടിന്റെയപ്പുറത്തേയ്ക്ക്...

PRATHEEKSHA (HOPE)

ജീവിതത്തിൽ പ്രതീക്ഷകൾ  വേണം
എല്ലാവർക്കും
സ്നേഹത്തിന്റെയോ കാത്തിരിപ്പിന്റെയോ
അണയാത്ത ഒരു നാളം അകലത്ത്
കണ്ടാലും മതി പ്രതീക്ഷിക്കാൻ

മൊത്തം സ്നേഹവും ഒരുമിച്ച് കിട്ടിയവന്
പ്രതീക്ഷിക്കാനിനി എന്തുണ്ട് ബാക്കി?
ഒരു ജീവിതത്തിനു വേണ്ടത് ഒരു കെട്ടായി കിട്ടി
ഇനിയെന്ത്? മരണമോ?നിശബ്ദതയോ?

ഒരുവനുള്ള പോരായ്മകളാണ്‌ അവന്റെ കരുത്ത്
അവയിലാണ് അവനു വളരാൻ കഴിയുന്നത്‌
പോരായ്മകൾ ഇല്ലാത്തവൻ വളരുന്നില്ല, മരിക്കുന്നു
എന്റെ പോരായ്മകളെ ഞാൻ വെറുക്കുന്നു

ഇങ്ങനെ ഞാൻ എന്തിനു തുടരണം?
ഇത്ര വലിയ പ്രപഞ്ചത്തിൽ ഒറ്റയെന്ന്
തോന്നിയാൽ പിന്നെ എന്തിനു ഞാൻ തുടരണം?
സ്വപ്നം കാണാനും നേടാനും ഇനി ഇല്ല നേരം

നീ എന്റെ കൂടെ ഉള്ളതാണ് ജീവശ്വാസം
ശ്വാസം തോന്നലായി മാറിയാൽ ജീവന വെറും മിധ്യയാവും
നമുക്ക് ജീവിക്കണ്ടേ? സ്നേഹിച്ച്? ഒരുമിച്ച്?
നക്ഷത്രങ്ങളോളം പ്രായം സ്നേഹിച്ച്, ഒരുമിച്ച്...

Definitely, Maybe

Love comes into life through ways obscured by paths chosen! How many lessons does it take for any one of us to learn this? There always are questions that face us upright and leave us dumb. We sometimes answer 'definitely', sometimes 'maybe'. But somethimes we answer, 'definitely, maybe'.

But when finally you do find love, you end up loving it like you never have done, because love happens only once, and it is irreplaceable, incomparable and inevitable. For some, it shatters their live's achievements and leaves them with sheer NOTHING. Still, they learn to love life, since they have discovered LOVE.

Love-when it comes- changes everything. Even the ways we look at happiness and suffering. Love happens for good, for 'good'.

Life is such- mysterious. And mysterious indeed!

Time, Or a Kiss?

Time flies like moths on a rainy evening
To the flickers of short-lived emotional flashes
Only to lose wings and fall lame
Onto the green bed  which will suck your remaining life.

Time! The one villain that blocks all repetitions
To repair damages, redo erred scenes.
When does it stop, this 'tick tick'
While it ticks I can't think, not even wish better.

Time to wake up! Begins a day with a yawn or two
Time to sleep? That's how it ends with a question.
How can I feel the whisper of winds that brush by?
How can I feel anything if time takes the first place?

I want to live like a child- dieing for a chocolate crumb
Into the warmth of welcoming hands, I do want to faint.
Need a smile when I return home- just when I need one,
Needless to say I need a hug for every tear I shed.

Despite the flight time has embarked upon
Dreamers like me desire to take a break- a small one.
Long enough to kiss a beautiful child, be kissed by one too
Life never waits they say, that time flies and waits not.

But waits time, and tide if a feeling of you waits to be said
Bait time thus and hold firm; take time to feel and express.
Love the ones that love you; give a smile, take a hug.
Let time wait, till you finish; what's more important- time or a kiss?

What do I need?

What do I need to love you?

A pen whose ink never dries up,

And a book that ends never.

Its the soul that knows,

Love endless, eternal.

----------------------------------------------------

Reminiscence

A heart that looks back for Strength...

How much it means to me...

Do you know...

No... its a stupid question. I shouldn't be asking it. But I can't help asking it too, because I am who I am...
Do you know how much it means to me?
You don't...
You don't...
You don't...

Not because you are not able to understand me, but because you understand me too well.



You don't understand  how much it means to me...

I would die for one such word... I would.
I am in tears as I write this... hope no one reads this!
In the long run, I am able to delete important sentences out of life. But I am not able to delete the unimportant ones... like the one I just typed. You don't know how much it means to me...



One word... One word could lead me to unspeakable joy. The same would lead me to unstoppable sorrow.

I am vulnerable. I am weak. I know this. Therefore I am strong. That's my consolation.


But still, you don't know how much it means to me.


Word is life. Word is love. Word is light.


I wish you knew how much it means to me...




.........................................................................................................

Voice Unheard...

Today is a day of sorrow, since I heard the voice.

Its a long time now, but haven't forgotten its tint.

Soft like a flower, yet cold in its center and sharp on the edges.

It fell on my ears, like rain on a summer's day.

I wonder, why I'm alive! when life is just a dream.

Distance is like a tree: it grows, yet no one sees.

So the tree grew, gave shade for me to rest.

And now, I shed tears. Drops aren't there, but flows.

'Come back, you coward'- I often have to tell my mind.

For it backs off like a dog in an unseen clan.

When back, I'm at home, the real me, the monster.

For it knows someone's sad, knowing well that I'm mad.

Destiny! I never believed in it, even when my pulses proved it.
To be was my destiny? May be! because I never wanted to be!

Shadows grew too long till the black ate the white.

Till the doors of my life were unsafe in the night.

Ah! Yes, the voice. It still is loud like the evening Sun.

As always, it pricks the softest of all flesh- the heart.

When the pain recedes, I realize that voice wasn't real.

Then begins THE pain, for what's lost causes greater pain!

എനിക്ക് അമ്മയെപ്പോലെ സ്നേഹിക്കണം.. സ്നേഹിച്ചു മരിക്കണം...

truth

Nostalgia...

Love

Blessed are you who are able to bring tears into your friend's eyes.
If your memory makes one shed a drop of tear and spare a moment of adoration, you are blessed indeed.
Never in life do ignore a smile from a friend.
Be sure it will work miracles sometime in your life.
When people remember you later, they wont remember you for the money you spent for them. Remembrance is for the amount of time you spared to care for her/him.
Life is not very long to expect a next time for everything. Take the opportunity and be a friend.
Love is like rain. It falls only when there are clouds. And it soaks the land and makes life miserable. Yet is helps germination. Life springs after rain.
Love is like that.
It is painful. Yet is fulfilling. It gives hope. It makes your moments of expectation longer than ages. Yet it sweetens your loneliness and lessens sufferings.
Love.
This is the shortest sentence with the longest and the largest and the greatest ideal hidden in it.

Blessed are you my friend... because I weep on you.
Love.
That is what you gave me.
Love.
Though silent, that is what I have for you...