The Pounding in the Head

Work these days is monotonous. The technical name is 'transcription'. It is to listen to recordings and carefully write down what people spoke in a test, paying acute attention to minute details like duration of pauses, number of 'hmms' and 'uhhs', syntactic accuracy and linguistic complexity of language, and so on. Transcribing 5 minutes of recorded speech takes approximately 90 minutes. Extremely monotonous. The larger picture is clear- a PhD thesis in the area of language assessment. But remaining focused doing the monotonous daily transcription is a tough job. Yet, I drag through this drudgery to reach the golden goal hiding somewhere in the future.

Then comes the villain- the pounding in the head. Some people call it a migraine. I call it a devil. Or a demon. Or whatever I want to call it! While the headphones reproduce different test-participants' speech about themselves, their lives, interests, studies, and other people, my eyes, ears and brain try to focus on how they express what they express. As I do so, the pounding in my head becomes louder. "My name is..." The pounding becomes harder. "I come from..." "I love playing the guitar." "I have a very small family." "My mother is a teacher." The voices from the headphone slowly become rhythmically aligned with the pounding in my head. I can neither hear anything nor understand a word of what's being spoken. Everything around me is blurred out into a hazy hum. The laboratory in which I work, and the people around me dissolve into the air, and I become the pounding in my head. At this level, I walk to the rhythm of the pounding in my head. Or maybe I dance to the rhythm of the pounding. Faster and Faster. Harder and Harder.

The 'Pounding'

Source

Then at one point, I give up living. I am pushed to a point where I no longer exist. At that point, I end. I stop existing. Blank. At the base of that whirlwind of a spiral, I ain't. For me, that is the zenith of existence and non-existence. That's the top and the bottom, fullness and emptiness. end and the beginning. That's when the 'I' cease to exist as an embodied reality. I become weightless; the body disappears. The mind disappears. I disappear. There is no 'I'. It is just the pounding. And I am the pounding.

And that is what I call self, and you call god!

വാക്കുകൾ മാത്രമായിപ്പോകുന്നവർ

ആരും വിളിക്കാഞ്ഞും വല്ലപ്പോഴും
നാട്ടിലൊക്കെ ചെല്ലുമ്പോൾ, വീട്ടിലെ
പട്ടികകളിലൊന്നും പെടാത്തതിൻ്റെ വിഷമം
പട്ടിയെപ്പോലെ നിന്നെ കടിച്ചുകീറാറുണ്ടോ?

പട്ടിണികൊടുത്തു വാങ്ങിയതൊക്കെ
പണ്ട് വീട്ടുവിലാസത്തിലയച്ച കാര്യമൊക്കെ
ചിലരുടെയെങ്കിലും നിസ്സംഗത കാണുമ്പോ
തികട്ടി വരാറുണ്ടോ?

നിൻ്റെ വിയർപ്പുവീണ മണ്ണിൽ
നിനക്കുമാത്രമയിത്തമുള്ള മണിമാളികകൾ കാണുമ്പോൾ
പണ്ടേ ചങ്കിലടക്കിയ ചില കിനാക്കൾ
കുഴിമാടത്തിലനങ്ങുന്നതായി തോന്നാറുണ്ടോ?

എങ്കിൽ മനസിലാക്കുക, നീയൊറ്റയ്ക്കല്ല.
നീയും വെറും വാക്കുകൾ മാത്രമാണെന്നെപ്പോലെ!
'അമ്മ, അപ്പൻ, മകൾ, മകൻ, ചേട്ടൻ, ചേച്ചി...
പ്രത്യേകിച്ചർത്ഥമൊന്നുമില്ലാത്ത വാക്കുകൾ!

സോഴ്സ് 

Polished Edges of Cemented Corridors

While walking through the large open cemented corridors of IIT Kanpur, I see the polished edges of cemented corridors. This makes me think. How did the edges of these cemented corridors get polished? Who polished it?

Ground Floor, Faculty Building, IIT Kanpur

The answer is simple. And it is thought-provoking.

Nobody polished them consciously. The cemented edges of the corridors are polished when the working class people of this institution rest their bottoms. It is polished by those people who do not have cushioned chairs inside air-conditioned rooms to rest their bottoms! Yes. The cemented corridors are home to the marginalized, invisible people who built, clean and maintain this great Institution of Excellence. They rest their bottoms on the edges of these long open cemented corridors, because this institution doesn't see the need to give them a space to sit and relax. They are not on this institution's list of big names. They are not scientists, engineers or academics. They are 'nobodys'. They are peons, messengers, carpenters, masons, gardeners, cleaning staff, and other daily-wage labourers. They exist on the corridors of the institution. Outside office spaces. Outside the purview of human resource management team. Yes on the corridors. And their bottoms polish the edges of these cemented corridors.

It is for all of us to see. These polished edges of cemented corridors are a proof of something that this institution (like many others) doesn't want to acknowledge. But, these polished edges of cemented corridors will remain here as long as this institution lasts- pointing a finger at our sense of dignity and equality!

കുളിക്കാത്ത ഐഐറ്റിക്കാർ

ഒരു ഐഐറ്റി പരീക്ഷക്കാലം. ശാസ്ത്രവും സാങ്കേതികവിദ്യയും യുവതയുടെ തലച്ചോറിൽ മിന്നാരപ്പിനർ തീർത്ത് സാധാരണക്കാരുടെ പ്രശ്നങ്ങൾക്ക് പരിഹാരം കാണുന്ന കാലം. ആധുനികതയുടെ 'ബൈനറി' ഭാഷയിൽ ഉത്തരക്കടലാസുകൾ നിറയുന്ന കാലം. കൂർമ്മബുദ്ധി കണക്കു കൂട്ടലുകളായി കടലാസ്സിൽ എഴുതി തെളിയിച്ച് ഒന്നാമതെത്താൻ എല്ലാരും വെമ്പുന്ന കാലം. ഗവേഷണവിദ്യാർഥികൾക്ക് പരീക്ഷക്കാലത്ത് പരീക്ഷാ മേൽനോട്ട ദൗത്യം (invigilation duty) കിട്ടാറുണ്ട്. അങ്ങനെയാണ് ഏകദേശം 250 പേർക്കിരിക്കാവുന്ന റോമൻ ആംഫിതീയറ്റർ പോലുള്ള ശീതീകരിച്ച പരീക്ഷാമുറിയിൽ ഞാൻ എത്തിയത്.

പുതുമഴയത്ത് മണ്ണിൽനിന്നും പറന്നുയരുന്ന ഈയാംപാറ്റകളെപ്പോലെ ശീതീകരിച്ച പരീക്ഷാമുറിയുടെ പലകോണുകളിൽ നിന്നും എഴുതിനിറച്ച ഉത്തരക്കടലാസുകളും ഉറക്കം തൂങ്ങുന്ന കണ്ണുകളുമായി വിദ്യാർഥികൾ ഒന്നൊന്നായി എഴുന്നേറ്റു പോകുന്നു. യാന്ത്രികതയാണ് മിക്കവരുടെയും മുഖമുദ്ര. ഇരിപ്പിലും നടപ്പിലും എഴുത്തിലുമെല്ലാം അവർ യന്ത്രങ്ങളെപ്പോലെ തോന്നിച്ചു. പ്രത്യേകിച്ച് വികാരങ്ങളൊന്നും പ്രകടിപ്പിക്കാത്ത അവരുടെ കണ്ണുകളും മുഖവും ഇപ്പോഴും ഏതോ കണക്കുകൂട്ടലുകളിൽ മുഴുകിയതുപോലെ തോന്നും.

മിക്കവരും കുളിക്കാത്തവരും തുണിയലക്കാത്തവരുമാണ്. രൂക്ഷമായ വിയർപ്പുനാറ്റവും ചെളിയുടെ കുത്തുന്ന മണവും! പരീക്ഷാമുറി പോലുള്ള ഒരു സ്ഥലത്തേയ്ക്ക് വരുമ്പോൾ പോലും മാന്യമായ വസ്ത്രം (എന്നുവച്ചാൽ അലക്കിയതും വൃത്തിയുള്ളതുമായ വസ്ത്രം) ധരിക്കണമെന്നോ, പല്ലുതേക്കണമെന്നോ, കുളിക്കണമെന്നോ, മുടി ചീകണമെന്നോ ഈ അലസന്മാർക്കും അലസിമാർക്കും തോന്നാത്തതെന്തേ? നന്നായി വിയർത്ത്, ചെളിയിലൊക്കെ ഉരുണ്ട്, നല്ല രസമായി കളിക്കുന്നതിനിടയിൽ 'എന്നാൽ ഒരു പരീക്ഷ എഴുതിയേക്കാം' എന്ന് കരുതി വന്നതുപോലുണ്ട്. ഇത്ര ലാഘവം എങ്ങനെ നമ്മുടെ ബുദ്ധിയുള്ള പുതുതലമുറയ്ക്ക് കൈവന്നു? അക്കങ്ങൾക്കും കോഡുകൾക്കും ഇടയിൽ പ്രകൃത്യാ ഉള്ള നൈസർഗികത നഷ്ടമായതാണോ? അതോ ജന്മനാ അലസരായവരെ മാത്രമേ ഐഐറ്റികളിൽ ഇപ്പൊ എടുക്കുന്നുള്ളോ?

ഇവരൊക്കെയാണല്ലോ നമ്മുടെ നാടിൻ്റെ  നാളെയുടെ ശിൽപികൾ എന്നോർക്കുമ്പോഴാണ്! വ്യക്തിശുചിത്വം കാത്തുസൂക്ഷിക്കാൻ സമയം കണ്ടെത്താൻ കഴിയാത്തവർ എങ്ങനെയാണ് നാട് നന്നാക്കുക!

Human Rights Vs. Animal Rights

I can only laugh at how selective we are in reacting to issues. Some issues get the attention of authorities faster than others. Some influencing variables to this effect are the complainant's official position, and the nature of the complaint (whether easily solvable or not). This post is about an issue that bugs me on IIT Kanpur campus.

Image source

The complaint management system is quite good in here; that is, if the complaint is of the manageable and acceptable type! For example a complaint about a street light takes about a week or ten days to be resolved. But you are sure that such complaints will get resolved. Toilet and plumbing related complaints are resolved immediately- mostly on the same day, within a few hours. Not all issues are resolved this quickly.

I have been complaining to the authorities about the issue of street dogs in the residential areas of IIT Kanpur. Where I live, there are families, small kids, toddlers and elderly people. Not all of them like to be surrounded by dogs. When I say 'surrounded', I mean to be around ten or more dogs every time I step out of my doors. These dogs have taken my new footwear. They have been missing ever since. They have taken footwear of three of my guests. Luckily they were recovered immediately. They jump on people (out of love- according to dog-lovers)! So dogs are a problem around here. On top of it, keeping pet dogs and feeding them are PROHIBITED by rules on campus. But there are people who call themselves 'dog-lovers' who keep dogs near their homes, feed them, and pet them. It's all good. Let them break rules as they wish. None of my business.

But the problem is, that when their love dogs comes into action, my peace of mind is taken or rather stolen. Just as they love dogs, I and people like me do not like dogs around us. When their 'right' to keep dogs/ love dogs is used, my privileges as a 'normal' person are dismissed. Why am I denied the right to have a dog-free surrounding while a few people's 'right' (though against the campus rules) to love dogs is fulfilled? If you discuss this issue with the so-called dog lovers, they will preach about the rights of dogs, their own rights, etc. What they miss is that people other than themselves and their dogs too have rights. And that is called 'human rights'.

The issue doesn't end here. 'Dog lovers' love dogs only when they feel like it. When they have time. Or when they have some food remaining on their plates. At other times, love is limited to talking about dog-rights. The problem with this kind of love is that it is DEVOID OF RESPONSIBILITY. When love is devoid of responsibility, no one owns up the troubles made by these dogs. When a dog bites you, it is your bad luck. When your shoe is eaten by a dog, it is unfortunate. When someone gets rabies (may it not happen), it is not the dog-lover's doing. In short, dog love is an 'all-talk-no-action' show.

Now, my dog-related complaint was filed about 2 months ago. There isn't even a reply- forget about any action on it! Why is there a selective attention to complaints? Not sure. May be authorities are afraid of rules- rules to protect rights of animals. OK. Let animals have their rights. I am waiting for a day when human rights get equal attention from the authorities here on campus. 

Tips and Fixes for Researchers

Image from HERE

Why is research a tedious experience? Here are a few reasons, and fixes.

1. Most research requires plenty of frustrating alone-time with books and other instructive materials. And some people are not cut out to be alone. Such people will feel miserable when alone with books for more than a few days. When this duration becomes weeks and months, they grow impatient, get out to party, and find it difficult to scoot back to the desk.
   
   Here is a fix for this problem: When you feel like being alone in your lab or library is too long to be alone, take a break. But before you take this break, decide how long the break is going to be. And when you get back on time to your books, reward yourself with something you love. When this goes on for a week or a month, give yourself a longer break- may be a day or two, a weekend away from work.
2. Most researchers find it difficult to organize the ideas they have gathered/thought through. It can be difficult for large projects that involve many complicated ideas that interact to give your thesis its flavour.
   
   Here is a fix: Once you stumble upon an idea, and know that it is going into your thesis, write the heading and a small explanatory paragraph (synopsis) in a separate sheet of paper or a file. Keep adding to this file as you get more ideas for the thesis. By the end of your reading phase, you will have a number of such synopses. Now you take these small paragraphs with headings and arrange them on a table. What you see before you is your thesis- spread out. You can now jumble them in the best fashion that fits your purpose. Once you find the best organization, file the paragraphs, and start writing!
3. Most researchers find it difficult to sit and write. Reading is one thing. Writing is another. You not only need patience, but also discipline, peace of mind, organization of ideas and the best of yourself. So for most researchers, writing becomes a painful and never ending process despite the deadlines.
   
   Here is a fix: Before you write something, you make a plan. Let this plan be complete with a list of ideas, intentions, references, and goals. So when you finally sit to write, you have a plan to follow. And you know where you are, and when you will be able to finish.
4. Most researchers hate editing. Editing is a damn bad job because it needs endless hours of re-reading your own writing. You need to have patience.
   
   Here are two fixes: a. Give an incubation period of at least a week before you begin editing anything you have written. If you try to edit your writing soon after writing, you may not be able to see the glitches, because everyone likes what and how they write. So give some time before you edit. b. If you have a dear friend who is good at writing or logical thinking, give a manageable part of your draft writing to this friend. Let him/her take time and comment on your writing so that you can sit and correct yourself. 

Now, are some of your research problems solved? If not, do not be frustrated. Know that there are thousands in the fraternity/sisterhood. Our tribe is large, and all of us wallow in similar pain. This is a dirty river we ought to cross to string those two or three letter degrees to our names. Let us just do it.

Being grateful!

Too hot to work. I need to sit in an air conditioned room in order to work.

When I come to think of it, I have changed a lot. I who hated air conditioning have come to consider air conditioning as an inevitable part of official life. Why?

Picture from HERE

I can't quite think of how I have changed this way. Probably it is the weather in Kanpur. Maybe people change when temperature oscillates between 0 and 50 degrees. But physical realities around us should not change our mental/spiritual dispositions that easily, right? Can I justify murdering someone because I don't 'like' that person? No. That would be ridiculous. Or, can I justify sacrificing my beliefs because of one negative instance? I don't think so. So there must be something else that has urged me to change.

Did I begin taking things for granted? I would like to consider this as a very good explanation of the change in myself. I don't think I appreciate my blessings as well as I should. I realize this in the small incidents of life. For example, when I wake up in the morning, I have a washroom right by the side of my room, and I take it for granted. When I used to stay in hostel, I did not have this facility. And I clearly remember hating it. I like to have a private washroom all for myself. I don't like to share a washroom with strangers because of multiple reasons. Cleanliness is one. The point is, I have taken my personal washroom for granted! See- I have changed. I can give multiple examples of this in terms of things and facilities I possess: like cellphone, computer, study room, etc.

In terms of people too I am blessed abundantly. I have people to share my joys and sorrows with. I have people to whom I can confidently ask for help or favours. I have people from whom I can borrow money on short notice. I have people who will welcome me to their homes despite the fact that I don't have a permanent home to welcome them to. I have people who think of me, and wish me a better future. I have people who respect me for what I am to them. I thus have innumerable reasons to live happily and be thankful. But I take these people and facilities for granted.

I need to change myself. How?

I shall be grateful to people. I will thank people verbally and non-verbally for the love, care, consideration and concern they have for me.

I shall be grateful to the facilities I use. I will use them with a grateful heart. I will not exploit such facilities, and use them responsibly.

Good start, huh? I would like to think so. Small changes, small steps are how everything begins. I would like to be positive about things.