I am that man...

It's painful
to wake up into light..

The dark was safe,
had no pains of sight..

I see now, like day
Like light, truth..

And my heart roars in pain,
That I am that man..

In the lap again...

In the lap of my mother again.
No woes, now worries, just blank!
In the lap of my dream again.
No regrets, No time, one moment at a time.

But my arms are cut,
Tongue tied and feet numb.
Never again, said mom,
Just to make sure...

But I am myself there,
Just as I am on a rainy night.
Waiting for another time,
When the warmth is all mine.

Life is good when dreams are plump,
At least it looks good.
Let me not be alone in silence,
Lest I'll drown in despair again.

So, my mom, be there,
Like a rock, like a fortress.
Tie me strong and fast to thee,
For I'm safe tied, than free!

--------------------------------------------

After the storm...

പരീക്ഷയുടെ ചൂട് അടങ്ങി തല തണുത്തപ്പോള്‍...

നീണ്ട ദിവസങ്ങള്‍ക്കു ചിറക് ഉണ്ടായിരുന്നെങ്കില്‍...
ഇപ്പോള്‍ എങ്ങും പോകാന്‍ കഴിയുന്നില്ല...
മനസിന്റെ വ്യാപ്തി കുറഞ്ഞതുപോലെ...
ദൂരങ്ങളില്‍ കണ്ട സ്വപ്‌നങ്ങള്‍ ഇപ്പൊ അകന്നകന്നു പോകുന്നു...
ചിലപ്പോ തിരക്കില്ലാത്ത ദിവസങ്ങളെ ശപിക്കാന്‍ തോന്നും...
എന്തെന്നില്ലാത്ത ദുഃഖം...
മരണ വേദന..
തിരക്കില്‍ മൂടി കിടന്നതെല്ലാം ഇപ്പൊ ചാരം തട്ടി പുറത്തു വരുന്നു!

ഇന്നലെ ക്ഷീണം കാരണം ഉറക്കം വന്നു...
ഇന്ന് ഞാന്‍ ക്ഷീണിച്ചു മടുത്തു!
ഇനി എന്തെങ്ങിലും ചെയ്തില്ലെങ്ങില്‍ ഒരുപക്ഷേ ഞാന്‍...

ചില തീരങ്ങളില്‍ പോകേണ്ടിയിരിക്കുന്നു!
വിളി ശക്തമായിരിക്കുന്നു...

ഇന്ന് രാത്രി ഞാന്‍ സ്വപ്നം കാണട്ടെ,
നാളെ ഞാന്‍ തിരക്കിലാവും...
സ്വപ്നങ്ങള്‍ക്ക് അവധി...
ഒരു തിരമാല കഴിഞ്ഞതല്ലേ,
ഇനി അതിന്‍ തുടര്‍ച്ച വേണം...

One by my friend

this one is by my friend..

wish i could write so too...

A heart that bleeds...

one day, one sitting, one posture, one breath...

these were born...

feel exhausted...

------------------------------------------

Memories

memoirs of a lovely time...

listening to waltz

This night is precious to me... I am listening to waltz.. Some tune that renders the heart tender.. I am growing weak for the night. This music has taken my pains away. And I like to dwell in the shade of this music forever. As the night grows young, I am getting addicted to this magical tune. Dancing piano over saxophone and drums, gently playing over my emotions.. One by one, they tell tales of unending mysticism and joy. Each beginning kindles a new affinity that lasts for ever. Some take me away from the earth, some pull me down, some kick my hard, some whisper in my ears, some.... Hah, finally at the end of this tiresome and sad day, I have some joy to taste. It means much to me. And I remember all the sweet elements of my life that made me smile, that made me shed a tear.. I love those moments, those friends, those people who hate and love me. Its only one life and all these add to the taste and wholesomeness of my life.

Finally, thanks to those blessed hands that made music for me this night... God bless...

---------------------------------

A Head that Aches

I have a head that aches...
A head that fills every moment with pulsating pain and suffocation.
As moments go by, I get more and more indrawn and silent.
For its not easy to die when one is fully alive.

I have a dream that dies.
A dream that fills every moment with memories of happy yesterdays.
As moments go by, I get more and more lonely and sad.
For its not easy to forget when one is fully alive.

I have a life that grows.
A life that fills every moment with hopes and new smiles.
As moments go by, I get nearer to the end point.
For its not easy to sustain a life where dreams are dying and head is aching.

Once again, I have a head that aches...

------------------------------------

Random thoughts- as a friend of mine says!

I don't care! What does it matter? The world will go on... Nothing will happen!

Here, at this moment, at this very moment, someone's dreams die and fall dead instantly!

Who are you to ask? What the ----? Its none of your business! Smoke or no smoke- its my personal affair.

My child is suffering from fever. Sir, can you help me with some money? God will bless you... : Who wants god's blessings? Who? Anyone here wants god's blessings? Cummon, help this man. He needs money. Money or Mammon!

Everyone is running to the nala... What happened? Oh, its a shooting. Some actress is there. They want to see her. Some want her autograph...

What about your hubby? What did he gift you for  your birthday? Oh, he presented me with a diamond necklace.. It is nice... Wanna see?

Yesterday, my dog died. It was bitten by a snake. In fact, it saved my wife from the snake and got bitten by the snake... Don't even know what to feel. I myself would have thought twice before doing what my dog did!

Next week is election. I am planning to vote. This one is not efficient, that one is lazy, the other one is fundamentalist. But all have one thing in common- all are making money. It seems they pays income tax in 8 digits!

I am going to the church. Coming? Haha.. you are kidding. Why do you want to go there? God is omnipresent! Come with me. I am going for a walk into the woods. ..... OK. Wait Let me get ready!

You are crazy. Why do you want to study like that? Do you think knowledge is necessary for success? Look at any rich man around you! :-)

He told me: "Sajit, you are no better than that beggar. He never cleans himself!" :.... I am still reflecting!

She told me: " You are a monkey." .... Ya.. I am one. Its better to be an innocent monkey, than being a donkey who pretends to be wise.

Gotta go. There is a party. W, W and W. How can I do without? Bye...

Dating with Black Flowers

This is one born in pain. Drawn on 20.03.2009. 

Drawn while I was in Samanvaya, Kanjirapally - A time of internal trials and struggles.

A place to live in...

What else would you expect to have
While it turns dark and the evil powers come out,
Setting covers and masks away?

I have a body to protect
And a soul to sell,
Shouts the desperate me to the night.

What can else I think of now when its dark
And vision is skin deep, Oh I am afraid
To look at those fox eyes of devils.

Why am I like this, why did you craft me this way?
This sad song's accompaniment- a drop of tears,
Hidden in the dark, but shining in my soul.

Where can I go, but to the heart of the night,
Where hides the jackals of death,
Painful and slow death of bruises and scars.

I am not afraid of death, let me state.
But I am afraid of flesh mongers,
Who bring more than death into my soul.

Where can I hide, Oh night so dark and plain?
Where do I run when everywhere is equally hell?
Where do I sleep when gnashes fill the air and freezes my blood?

Its safest with you to be, you who are cold.
I choose you than those with teeth like that of lions.
You are gentle though still and cold.

And when I am terrified, I think of night,
And hold my dagger tight, with a trembling hand.
I'm only less afraid to plunge it into my heart...

Why I can't but HATE my University!

...............................

          You Know I am talking about the English and Foreign Languages University. Without denying the fact that my university is a wonderful place, I should confess that I already hate my University. My University is international in its character, it has a great tradition, and holds a great name among academics all over the country. It is also one of the best contributors to the English Language Teaching and English Linguistics fields. My University stands proud with its specialties. It has 5 Schools and over 35 departments. It teaches English and many other foreign languages and offer courses from under graduate level upto research and post doctoral studies. 

BUT

          But my great University is on its way to some god-knows-what status. It expanded tenfold in 3 years. It has a buzzing population of over 3500 as of now! Considering the small area of 35 acres, this population seems quite BIG. And you would agree with me when you read further. 

Hostels

          The 3500 strong campus lives in congested spaces of the available hostels. Why are the rooms congested? Now you are wrong. Rooms are not congested. Those hostel rooms which were made for single person are inhabited by 2 people, those meant for 2 are inhabited by 3, and so on. So if there are 100 rooms, instead of accommodating a maximum of 200 people, we got over 300 people living in them. And the amazing fact is that most of the construction is still underway. People live in buildings where construction is still on. What are the problems experienced in hostels? There are 3 major problems.

1. Space

2. Food and Water

3. Electricity

          Space is already explained. 

          Food and Water: The mess which is run in collaboration with the students is not able to satisfy everyone in the hostel, because there are a handful of dividing factors among the students. Ethnicity, food habits, political and religious background, etc. keep the students in different groups which complain about every kind of food provided. And the food provided is actually worthy of complaints at least sometimes. Food is not ready on time on most days. Students are not there on time for breakfast on most days. 

          Electricity: No electricity also implies no study, no class, no water and sometimes, no food. This is not a rare phenomenon. There are times when students had to run around to find water to use toilet from early morning till evening.

Academics

          There are very talented and committed teachers in our University. There are also less talented and less committed teachers. There is nothing unnatural in it, because we live in a real world, not in an ideal one. But there are some students and teachers who wait to avoid classes, who wait to catch upon slightest opportunities to escape responsibilities, to tread the easy way! This makes me feel sick! I am tired of going to the university only to know that classes are cancelled and nothing moves on campus. I may differ from those who live on campus, because my experience has been different. 

          Whatever be the reason, when academics is compromised upon, the standard of an educational institution stoops. What gives us a stand is its scholarship and encouragement to learn and produce and think critically. Here, people are encouraged to remain under the critical level, not to think out of the box. Some teachers find it a threat! :-) 

          We spend hundreds of crores of rupees in building infrastructure. But people here forgot that only adds to the physical aspect of the University. Investment in academics is given lesser importance. Once things started moving in those lines, every group on campus got distracted from their central responsibility. Everyone here are supposed to help students learn. But some teachers forgot that, some non-teaching staff forgot that, some students forgot that. Everyone started wondering and eying fringe benefits, including me.

          Now, even if everyone desires a U-turn back into the academics, it is not possible in the near future. We have set things in motion, and according to the law of inertia, it will take time for the process to reach a stop and then to turn back.

Conclusion

          I hope that things will change at least by the end of this decade. There shouldn't be a time when I hesitate to say where I graduated from. Let us all try to make things fall in line- students, teachers, non-teaching staff and the bureaucracy. Long live my University!

-------------------------------------------------------

What is life after all???

A simple question is usually the answer-less one..
A simple sigh is usually the most relieving expression..
That's exactly why I don't understand life..

What is most reachable is the farthermost at times.
What is at hand is often unreachable.
That's exactly why I don't understand life..

I tremble to speak that simple word that could change my life.
I fear little children who can speak truth without inhibition.
That's exactly why I don't understand life.

What is life after all?
Moment after moments of doubt and fear?
No, it got to be more positive than the most negative.

That's again exactly why I don't understand life!

Kozhiyunna Mudiyizhakal

കൊഴിയുന്ന മുടിയിഴകള്‍ 

അടരുന്ന ചുമരിലെ പാണ്ടുകള്‍ നോക്കി നോക്കി സമയം പോയതറിഞ്ഞില്ല.

ദൂരെ നിന്നും കറുത്ത മഴ മേഘങ്ങള്‍ ഓടി വരുന്നുണ്ട്.

അങ്ങകലെ കിഴക്കേ മലനിരകള്‍ക്കപ്പുറത്തുനിന്നും ശബ്ദം കേള്‍ക്കാം.

ആകാശം ഇരുണ്ടു, അരങ്ങ് ഒരുങ്ങി, ഇനി കഥാപാത്രങ്ങള്‍.

1 - ചുമര്. തേപ്പ് അടര്‍ന്നു തുടങ്ങിയിട്ട് കാലങ്ങള്‍ ആയി. 

ചായം പൂശാത്തതുകൊണ്ട് നിറം മങ്ങിയിട്ടില്ല. 

അങ്ങിങ്ങായി പാണ്ടുകള്‍ കാണാം- തേപ്പടര്‍ന്ന ഓട്ടകള്‍.

ഒരുപക്ഷേ നിശ്വാസങ്ങള്‍ ഏറ്റുവാങ്ങിയ പാടുകളും!

2 - സമയം. കാലം എന്ന് മറ്റൊരു പേര്. അജ്ഞാതന്‍.

രൂപംഇല്ലാത്തതിനാല്‍ ആരും കണ്ടിട്ടില്ല. എങ്കിലും

അവന്‍റെ പ്രഹരം ഏറ്റുവാങ്ങാത്ത ആരും ഇല്ല.

ഒരു സംശയം. കാലം വരികയാണോ, അതോ പോകയാണോ?

3 - മേഘങ്ങള്‍. അവയ്ക്ക് നിറം മാറാന്‍ അറിയാം.

ചിലപ്പോള്‍ സ്വഭാവവും- ഞാന്‍ കണ്ടിട്ടുണ്ട്. 

വെളുത്തു വെളുത്തു വന്നിട്ട് കറുത്ത് കറുത്ത് പെയ്യും. 

ശ്വാസം മുട്ടിക്കും. ചെകുത്താന്റെ സ്വഭാവം. 

4 - ഇരുട്ട്. നിശബ്ദം നിഷ്കരുണം നിരാധാരം.

നിറങ്ങളില്ല, മണങ്ങളില്ല, രുചിഭേദങ്ങളില്ല.

ഭാവം ശാന്തം, സ്വഭാവമജ്ഞാതം.

ഒരു ചോദ്യം. രണ്ടില്‍ ഒന്നാണ് സത്യമെങ്ങ്കില്‍ ഇരുട്ടോ വെളിച്ചമോ നുണ?

കഥാപാത്രങ്ങള്‍ തയ്യാര്‍. ഇനി വേണ്ടത് കഥ. പക്ഷേ...

എന്‍റെ പക്കല്‍ കഥകളില്ല, കഥാപാത്രങ്ങളേ ഉള്ളു...

അതുകൊണ്ടാണ് ഞാന്‍ അടരുന്ന ചുമരില്‍ നോക്കുന്നത്.

കൊഴിയുന്ന മുടിയിഴകള്‍ക്കിടയിലൂടെ...

------------------------------------------------------------------

Human Beings

Its the beauty of life- Variety.
Heart sings out of joy seeing it.
All around, it surrounds every breath.
Every leaf, every vein- beauty, sayeth!

Heart sings again in pain,
Seeing those distorted and deviant.
Hurtin' so bad, heart bleeds,
Hurt it is, indeed a pain.

Still I see sense somewhere,
'cosI feel love in the air.
When I twist in pain and weep,
I feel human, I feel love!

Frustration! Anger! Add variety!
Being human, I live human.
Its okkkkkkkk... like my friend says.
Its the beauty of life- Variety!

Another Indian Episode!

Setting: A descent hotel, Sanath Nagar, Hyderabad. A/C Room
Characters: 8 Table full of people, One Waiter, one cleaner, one-god-knows-who character

Shot 1: Long shot of the name of the hotel from the other side of the hotel. Its all nicely decorated, illuminated, etc.
Shot 2: Close shot of appreciating faces of Arun and I on the other side of the road.
Shot 3: We walk towards the hotel crossing the hotel, carefully wading through the Hyderabadi traffic.

Now please dont care about shots.. I have no patience!

Arun and I enter the hotel. There is no free table in the non A/C section. Worried about our pockets, we entered the A/C section.
'Hmm... Nice place.' Exclaimed both of us! We sat at a free table. Waiting patiently for the waiter. Cleaner came, we asked for a menu card. Immediately, he brought us plates and tumblers! Wonderful! Then he proceeded to another table and took a menu. And walked to the cupboard and kept it safely there! Hmmm!

After 10 minutes, there came a waiter... He brought us a menu card on demand and disappeared. When he came that side again, we caught hold of him and ordered what we ate (Won't tell you what it was).

Another long wait of 15 minutes. In the meantime, all the 7 tables around us were empty too.. most of them shouting at the waiter and the hotel. But our waiter maintained his cool!

There comes our order! Good. Tasty, Delicious...
Now I got to tell you what we ordered- 2 Tandoori roti and 1 chicken curry. There were so many pieces of rotis in the bowl given to us. We had noticed earlier that all others were given full round uncut rotis. We smelt a rat.

Since we were hungry, we decided to order another roti. When we did so, the waiter said, "I already gave you 3. I will bring another one." We wondered: 'we ordered only 2, he gave us 3?'

So we arranged the cut pieces of the roti in a round and saw 5 pieces made a round full roti. We had eaten four pieces. That makes a total 9 pieces.

And when the waiter came round the next time, we asked him, 'how many rotis did you give us?'
He said, 'three.'
We asked: 'how many pieces are there in one roti?'
He said, 'four.'
We asked: 'How come then 3 rotis are only 9 pieces?'
He said: "%£$"@*&....."

He went back and brought us another roti. His face was tensed and not so comfortable- Other visitors were shouting at him too...

When we finished, we asked for a bill. While Arun went to wash his hands, he came and told me, 'Rs.130'
I said, 'give a bill'
He said: 'Its 130. 3 rotis and one chicken curry.'
I said, 'give a bill'
He said: "%£$"@*&....."

He fetched us a bill. We paid him Rs.130 exactly. He counted it thrice infront of us!

If we had not doubted, we would have tipped him. That would mean, he would cheat us and we would tip him!

My mind murmered, like one of my professors said, "WELCOME TO REALITY, WELCOME TO INDIA."

--------------------------------------------

Anger

This was painted in December 2007. The inspiration was a an incident where I felt disappointed and angry.

This Painting is named Anger

Sometimes...

Life has strange ways... Indeed...

Sometimes I feel like being the most unworthiest being on this planet... For all the trust and confidence the world has on me... for the love I have been experiencing... Everywhere is home for me because of my dear people... And looking into my own eyes, as tears flow down, I feel like crying aloud in madness or dying out of unbearable pain, or running away...

Sometimes, in the sweetest of moments, I realize that the sweetest of my thoughts was just a day dream.. A shattered dream is born in tears again. Smile and laughters would pile up in the pyre again to be burned. Ashes and smoke... That is what life has in the end.

Sometimes, trust seems the rarest of virtues. Don't know how much of it is around. The smiles of my friends, the innocent smiles, they lead me home. I sleep in peace because I trust those around me. They are mine. Flesh and blood of my soul tells me that they are no different from me. I feel soft and comforted.

Sometimes, I feel cheated. Smiles of innocence turn wolf like grins, chuckles in deceit. I only can look and wait for monsters to devour me. Won't be able to move a finger to run away or protect myself. Death, despair, loss, bad name; may it be whatever, I accept when its from my beloved ones. I tend to ignore the evil grin that is behind the sweet smile.

Sometimes I feel I am to be blamed for such naivety. Life demands prudence along with naivety. And I fail to comply...

Sometimes, I feel like ending everything too... Asking why Lord, to the silence that kills souls, I retire into unconsciousness. Death would be no different.

Sometimes I thank god for these pains too..

Sometimes I blame god for these pains too..

'Nothing will happen to you,' says a voice from within. I trust.. I go on..

Between heaven and earth

What would you feel if you are hung between heaven and earth? Heaven- where you would like to go, Earth- where you would be like! A strange position indeed. Guess who is in that position? It's me, hanging in mid air, happy and sad at the same time.

I am blessed to have a heart full of friends. I am also blessed to have the hearts of those friends. Those beloved hearts are all burning with some trouble or other. At one point, they help me to realize that my little troubles are no troubles at all. But at the same time, they also make me sad. My friends are my friends. Their pains are my pains, like their joys. Therefore, I feel like being hung from the heavens and thrown up from the earth.

Sweet and sour at the same time. I wish good for all...

Silence. The temple of my heart is ready for the ceremony. Its a ceremony where each of my pains, those of my friends' is  thrown into the fire. And when they all are just smoke, filling the temple chamber, I will breath in relief... Life is just a ceremony! JUST a ceremony? Oh! No... Life is a celebration - of joy and sorrow, of smile and frown, of ecstasy and tears...

Still, I am there, in the mid air.

Its me. And I shall be there till the end of ages...

--------------------------------------------------

NonSense

I was posting lot of nonsense on my blog...but without realizing that they were pure nonsense. I used to appreciate my works! Haha.. Finally, the hour of awakening, oh no,  the moment of awakening has arrived. Just now, just at this moment, I realized that what I used to write was just nonsense! Really... Yes, my realization was real. You are laughing now, I know... because you are not able to differentiate between these two sections of nonsenses which are divided only by a small time period: one moment! Haha.. good joke, wasn't it? Now, this is why I told you I was writing nonsense. If you look at the very first sentence I wrote, You will realize that I was not joking!

And, did you look at the first sentence? Yes! It is because you trusted me.. sort of trust I mean.. and when next time I use denotation to connote something, you will stop reading and will go for a coffee for sure .. Curse me, I will accept it. Do you know why I write all these?

There is a reason behind writing this... When I was about to sleep tonight, I just felt that I should blog something tonight... An urge from within- a genuine urge. So I gave in. But at the keyboard, I could only remember one word.. You know which.. Oh, you don't know! That again was a joke.. so funny... Yes only one word. That word is the heading of tonight's post. Since I wrote that heading, I thought of letting my hand type whatever that comes to the fingers. Genius ingenuity! Hmm...

Once one of my teachers told me that I was not using my capacities to study well. Nonsense!

Yesterday, I had no class. Even then, I had to go to the University. Why? Its because the teacher had forgotten about the class. Nonsense!

I have a good camera. Its pretty old, but functions well. Its cells are a bit old and do not last. Memory card is small. Picture quality is not too bad. But there is no way I can transfer the clicked pictures into my PC! There is neither a card reader or a cord. And they are not available in the market too. Nonsense!

I have a fairly good MP3 player. Sound quality is good. But there is no headphone! Nonsense!

Yesterday, we prayed a lot about unity of the community. We need to talk, share, care for each other, love, express concern, etc. For the last 14 months I have seen, We have gathered round the divine table ONLY once. Nonsense!

Actually there is no nonsense in whatever I wrote now, or in the past. Nonsense!

My urge to write has subsided. Right now, I am about to fall over the keyboard. If I sit for another 2 minutes, my subconscious will take over the expression. I don't think it would be a good idea. :-p

Good morning, for its night still. Nonsense!

What do I need?

What do I need to love you?

A pen whose ink never dries up,

And a book that ends never.

Its the soul that knows,

Love endless, eternal.

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My Favourite Prayer

I have read this in a novel named Harry Dee... It was in 1999. I still say this prayer when my heart beat goes up.. I love this prayer..

Jesus Christ, Saviour of my soul,
Let me to thy bosom fly,
When the angry waters roll,
And the tempest still is nigh!




These words have a magical power to calm me down... And I believe in them... They invoke my God...



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Peace

.

.

This one is named PEACE

Drawn on the date mentioned

As the name indicates, it was drawn in peace and tranquility, after struggling for a long while with internal turmoils

A Challenge

The Sunday bug is at hand is almost slipping away. I went to listen to divine voice this morning and heard what I didn't expect. I was challenged. In fact, I shed tears on what I heard. Simple thoughts thrown in a careless manner hit my heart with such force as to drive me out of my comfortable place in life.

"When I am ready to listen to God, am I ready to do what I hear?"

I... Often, I have failed to be open towards what I heard. Whenever I pray, I pray for what I think is better for me. And whenever something other than what I expect is offered, I shirk! Choices I make, I made... Oh god, it is painful to go over them again and again and again... I am tired of shedding tears... I am not ready for this anymore. But still you bring me more of it, as if I am not yet steady... I am tired... What gives me hope is a hope that everything is right... I am shaken, to the roots again. I have already begun to doubt about the very base of my life. The clarity I had is melting away like an ice cube. Soon, I will be left with no place to hide and no peace to dwell in. Again...

In the past, were I shying away from truth? This truth torments me like a live wound on my heart. Even otherwise, I live the life of a living confusion. Now, everything is ready for another toppling. Being overthrown from peace, I will wander in an all-white no-where for the next few weeks. A haunting truth or a haunting lie? Why am I constantly being pulled in both directions? Why am I comfortable on both the sides? Is it myself that I hate? Questions that occur incessantly!

And the most painful of all thoughts: What if I had made a mistake? It makes me feel like I am dead already. The consequences of such a possibility makes my brain go dead... But when heart takes over, I feel tormented, like my friend on the wooden cross... What if I had made a mistake? I don't know how and when to pay back or get paid for all these...

Being directionless! It is really a maddening experience... As days go by, the picture may emerge clearer- may be... Or it may remain foggy and unclear... Or I may forget about it... Or may be everything will be alright...

Like Basheer said...

Pretty much like what the great writer Vaikam Muhammad Basheer said, every little creature has the right to live on this little earth. Today, at the university, I saw a puppy playing with a bigger dog at leissure. Both the dogs were playing with each other in ecstacy, pulling each other, climbing over the other, running around, ocassionally falling down, etc. It was a wonderful sight to see.. Even now, at the lab in the university, i can see two piggeons talking to each other, over the air conditioner outside the room. It is wonderful to see how wonderful life is. I also saw a brown coloured dog, gasping for breath, may be in the process of bidding farewell to this life..

On my way back from the university, I usually see a man lying down on the road side, sometimes clothed, sometimes not. He is hungry most of the times. Therefore, he streches his hands out, asking for a contribution. Whenever he is not hungry, he is seen sleeping on the road side, in all that dirt, peacefully, like a dove.. He is unclean, he is not properly clothed, he is not probably educated.. But he seems happy! Last year, at the bus stands, I used to see a man, of the similar nature, except that he usually was naked. He seemed clearly out of his mind. (Or probably, you and I are out of our minds!) He didn't possess even a pair of clothes! Still he seemed to be smiling like a child at everyone. I remember a quotation: "Give one of your smiles if you find someone without one."

Why am I writing all these? I am in search of meaning. Life seems pretty interesting for me. It also seems quite puzzling. Happiness doesn't seem to be an outcome or end anymore. Joy is not a state of mind. I have recently begun to think that happiness is something that we always aspire for. And when we get closer to it, we feel that we already have it. Then there is ecstacy. But before we realise that happiness is still far away, the state of ecstacy would be far away.. This makes me compare myself with that puppy, the pair of piggeons, the dying dog, the man on the roadside, the naked man... They seemed happy, without the credentials I have. I only boast of myself...

I don't know whether to turen desperate or to turn optimistic. There were many ocassions when I thought that joy was at hand. I still know that joy is just out there. Does it always remain a mirage? Is it something unreachable?

As I lie down on my bed every night, praying for what I love the most, what I miss the most, what I aspire the most, I feel happy. I feel the ecstacy. I feel that I too can love. May be that gives me power to go through the next day. I am yet to know what it means to BE! I am a child. Like Basheer said, every little creature has the right to stay on this earth. This little child too... with all its troubles and problems...

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The Sleepless Wait

I find it difficult to sleep tonight, though my brain is switching itself off... Today was a good day... Onam.. Classes, friends, special friends, joy, etc...

How to say things without saying them? I don't know...

How to hide things even when saying them? I don't know...

But I do say, I do hide...

What a life..

Its a sweet lie, covered in chocolate candy... Yet I find meaning in its unrealistic happiness. I dig for joy and find it lying unwanted in the corners of depths... 

I want to live.

I only want to live.

Like a human being, I only want to live.

Endless are my complaints... Futile are my arguments... In the end, I lose..because in love, I am always second... For me, its life and love that sustains love and life! A stupid thought!

Sleepless night! But I got to try. I got to see if i can get a dream.

A dream where I am who I am...

Shattered dreams rule my waking hours..

At least in dreams let my joyful dreams reign.

Come, embrace me sleep, fill my conscience with white.

Let my thoughts converge into that single point.

Waiting for another birth...

Waiting for that moment...

It will be soon..

Maranatha...

....................................................................................................

Uyirode...

അനന്തം അജ്ഞാതം അവര്‍ണനീയം...


അറിഞ്ഞുകൂടാ എന്താണ് പൊരുള്‍ എന്ന്... പക്ഷെ അറിയാം എന്താണ് പകലെന്ന്... അകലെ മാനം മറഞ്ഞു പോകുന്ന നേരം പകലും അകലും. ഇരുട്ടിന്‍റെ നേര്‍ത്ത കരിമ്പടം എന്റെമേല്‍ അനുവാദം കൂടാതെ എറിയപ്പെടുമ്പോള്‍ പൊരുളറിയാതെ വീണ്ടും ഇരുള്‍ കനക്കുന്നു... 
ഇനിയും  കഴിഞ്ഞു പോയവയെക്കാള്‍ അധികം വരാനിരിക്കുന്നു... കണ്ടതിനേക്കാള്‍ അധികം കാണാനിരിക്കുന്നു... സ്നേഹിച്ചതിനേക്കാള്‍ അധികം സ്നേഹിക്കാന്‍ ഇരിക്കുന്നു... കാന്തശക്തിയുള്ള ചില വാക്കുകള്‍ നെഞ്ചില്‍ തുളച്ചു കയറുന്ന നേരം കൂട്ടി കിഴിച്ച് കണക്കു പരിശോധിക്കാന്‍ കഴിയുന്നില്ല... ഒരു ചുവടു മുന്നോട്ടു പൊക്കുമ്പോള്‍ രണ്ടു ചുവടു പിന്നോട്ട് പോകുന്ന ഈ ജീവിതം വഴി മുട്ടിയാലും തെറ്റിയാലും എന്ത് ഭേദം? 
ഒരുപക്ഷേ ശരികളുടെ ഒരു കൂമ്പാരം ആയിരിക്കും ജീവിതം. മറ്റൊരു പക്ഷേ, തെറ്റുകളുടെതും... ഏതായാലും കണക്കു തീര്‍ക്കാതെ അവസാനിപ്പിക്കാന്‍ പറ്റാത്ത ഒരു സമസ്യയാണ് ഇത്. നഷ്ടബോധങ്ങള്‍ക്ക് പല്ലും നഖവും വച്ച് ആക്രമിക്കാന്‍ വരുന്നത് വരെ ഈ ചൂതാട്ടം തുടരും! പ്രകൃതിയുടെ താളം തെറ്റി മുറുകി ഒടുങ്ങും വരെ ഈ വന്ധ്യ നൃത്തം തുടരും. ഫലം അറ്റ് ഞെട്ട് അറ്റ് പ്രജ്ഞ അറ്റ് പ്രാണന്‍ അറ്റ് നിലം പതിക്കും വരേയ്ക്കും തുടരും ഈ പലായനം... ലക്‌ഷ്യം അറ്റ പലായനം... 
പറയാന്‍ വാക്കുകള്‍ ഇല്ല, കേള്‍ക്കാന്‍ കാതുകളും.. പക്ഷേ നാവിനില്ല വിശ്രമം. അനന്തം അജ്ഞാതം അവര്‍ണനീയം ഈ പ്രപഞ്ചം.. അതിന്‍ നീണ്ട നൃത്തം, ലാസ്യ നൃത്തം... കാഴ്ച അറ്റ കണ്ണുകളും ചലനം അറ്റ ദേഹവുമായി കാത്തിരിക്കാം.. ഉയിരോടെ... 

Wanna know what it takes to smoke?

Thoughts

This one was drawn on the date mentioned... Its a camouflage! 

This Painting is named 'Thoughts'

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WATER WATER EVERYWHERE, NOT A DROP TO DRINK

            Water is the most indispensable part of life. Life is born in water; it grows in water and finally returns into water. Water determines how healthy one is. It quenches our thirst, refreshes us and makes us clean. In the process, water purifies itself. Freely given to anyone born on earth: human, animal or plant, water is our birth right. Nature makes sure that we get enough water for our needs. Water was here when man came to the earth. Our concerned question today is, whether water would still be there when finally man disappears into history!

Watery Issues

            Issues regarding water came up not just in the present or last century. Since water was the central and most important necessity, it was always a concern and an issue all through human history. There were wells and community water sources even in prehistoric times where people gathered and talked. Denial of access to the community well meant social ostracism. In the so-called civilized modern societies, water has become extremely important because of the population boom and industrialization, and the resulting non-availability of pure drinking water. In the present era, the fate of water has taken another tragic turn. Today, water is not available to everyone on the planet. It has become one of the most valuable and most traded commodities. Therefore, the powerful and the affluent make it their privilege to grab the best water on earth.

Greed for Water

            Greed is in our blood. To gather whatever is available is human nature. This nature takes us well beyond our actual needs into greed. And all the natural resources are targets of greedy exploitation. Now, when it is the turn of water, we are slowly realizing what greed can do to our race. Survival on this planet depends much on our ability to share what we get freely from nature. When this sharing is made to be based on economic capacity of people, sharing itself becomes an empty term. What one gets freely is sold at a very high price, just because you are able to spend money to appropriate natural resources! Greed for water is the ugliest of its kind, seen in our history.

Commoditization of Water

            The world today is engaged in a mad rush towards development at any cost. When a giant population like that of China decides to make a ‘great leap,’ there are a lot of facts that go unnoticed. The Three Gorges Dam was such a leap which left a lot of unnoticed facts for us to ‘notice.’ Up the Yangtze is the result of such a ‘noticing.’ But even when we engage in noticing the unnoticed anomalies of our world, we miss out on the giants involved in this commoditization of water, because they act subtly, silently and discreetly. At the Yangtze, they harnessed the power of water, to generate electricity. The government successfully completed the task and even today proudly upholds the dam as a jewel of development. But when water is marketed like in Yangtze, human beings lose humanity. They had to flee like birds to find a home and to fend for themselves. That is when the eyes of the government turn blind even to the rehabilitation of the displaced people.

            Therefore, I see no difference between bottled water, available at our convenience stores and the harnessed water at the dams. Both are instruments of marginalization and tools for making the rich, richer and the poor, poorer; that is, if we set apart the little advantages they have. Dams displace people in millions, to cater to the needs of cities. Bottling plants and soft drink industries pauperize the water reserves of the earth, to fill the coffers of multinational firms. In both cases, looting happens, in subtle ways.

Ultimately, it is mother earth who loses. We are blind or rather, we don’t want to see. So we loot, closing our eyes.

Water Lobbies

            What is all these talk about water? Isn’t water still available for us? Isn’t water still a free commodity? No. No more. Water is the most demanded commodity in our millennium. It is said and quoted again and again that the third world war (if there is one) would be for water. Our age is living up to this saying! Big business firms have increased interest in water as a commodity. Many of our favourite brand names are involved in water business. Since water is a free gift of nature and multinational companies have a say in every government on earth, grabbing water resources and exploiting them is not a big deal. Empty promises of development are temptations enough for the comprador class to succumb to the MNCs’ fat offers.

            It is in this context that we need to look at the amazingly shameless global firms like Bechtel and Edison which bought the whole water system of Cochabamba in Bolivia and Coca Cola which destroyed the organic existence of Plachimada village in Kerala, India! But for the women of these two places, these giant firms would have gone unscathed into glory, hands full of money. Merciless water-hunters would have sucked even the last drop of water out of earth’s spines. When money is involved, where is place for human qualities of sharing and generosity?

Major International Players

            The two largest water corporations in the world are French transnational Suez and German energy conglomerate RWE. Ranked 79th and 78th among Fortune's Global 100 List, these two water giants capture nearly 40 percent of the existing water market share. The French company, Vivendi, previously ranked 51st has dropped off the list, but remains a strong contender. These multinationals are now gaining a foothold in the United States, where they operate through a number of subsidiaries.

 Vivendi in over 100 countries and Suez operates in 130; their combined annual revenues are over $70 billion (including $19 billion in water and wastewater services). RWE revenues are currently over $50 billion (energy included), having acquired British water giant Thames Water. After purchasing American Water Works, RWE gained control of the largest U.S. private water utility. This expanded its customer base from 43 million to 56 million people. Other major water corporations include Bechtel, Biwater plc, Bouygues/Saur, U.S. Water, Severn Trent, Anglian Water, and the Kelda Group.

There is more. American insurance giant American International Group acquires small water utilities across the U.S. Our own Indian favourite brand name TATA is into water business (Himalayan Bottled water). There are many other companies in the race.

What do they sell?

They sell water and water related services. Our country shops also sell water based products. What is novel in big companies selling water? Yes. There is something novel about it. It is extremely difficult for ordinary people to believe that water is sold on commercial basis, after it is stolen from people. The big water lobbies, with the consent of local governing bodies take water from the earth, add colour and even pesticides, and then bottle it, and sell it back to the people. People, fall prey to the incredible amount of advertisement, the glitz and glamour of endorsement and buy this poison and drink. That is, water- my birthright, is stolen from me and is being sold back to me! Only our ‘civilized’ society could tolerate such atrocities with smiles. Only our ‘educated’ youth could bear such crimes with joy.

How do they sell water?

All major developed, industrialized countries are facing water problem, and all of them are on the lookout for fresh water springs. The saddest fact is that, as part of globalized privatization, all this has fallen into the hands of private players, whose sole aim is profit. With little social commitment, they will extract water and sell it to those who can afford, leaving the underprivileged at a loss. Yet another form of marginalization!

Private water firms are now setting their sights on the mass export of bulk water by diversion, by pipelines and by supertankers. Already, such devices are used to sell water to those who can pay immediately. Barges carry loads of freshwater to islands in the Bahamas and tankers deliver water to Japan, Taiwan, and Korea. Turkey is preparing to sell its water by shipping it on converted oil tankers and through pipeline from the Manavgat River to Cyprus, Malta, Libya, Israel, Greece and Egypt. Incredible! Austria has plans to sell its Alpine water to all of Europe, through pipelines. Israel is already implementing plans to import water from Turkey via sea.

This is one way. There is another way of selling water. That is through dams. We have seen in Narmada Dam project, that the beneficiaries of the project were not the rural people, who were displaced and thrown away. City dwellers benefitted by the project. Here too, water is grabbed from its owners- people, and is sold to the affluent.

            So, here we are; at the verge of a waterless world. Very much like King Ashoka at the battlefield, looking at dead bodies. The difference is that our world won’t repent!

What can we do to save our planet?

            This is a question to be asked by every responsible citizen of the world. We are running into a trap. Privatization of water distribution systems would mean privatization of natural water resources including rivers, springs and mountain water sources. In such a case, we would not be able to draw water from our sources. Naturally, we will have to subscribe to one of the water business firms for daily supply of water, at the price they fix, for our water. The developed world has already done this. There is a problem with this. This bottle-water culture will necessarily cut the connection human beings have with the earth. Human being who has now become a mere consumer, will no more have to know where and how this product reaches his/her hands. Gradually, concern for nature, earth and its subsistence will vanish. And like a herd of goats, being led into slaughter house, we will end up killing our race itself.

            To prevent this, we need to create awareness about these problems and possible solutions. We need development, but sustained development. We need out earth to remain as it is, for our future generations too. We need to extend a helping hand to each other to be firm and steady in fighting for mother earth. Its no more enough to be aware of these things and be silent. We need to act on these things. We need to gather people and spread awareness. This is when great popular movements gain importance for us. A few of them are given below.

Major pro-Water Agitations

            There had been some people around the world who felt the urgency to raise their voices against water theft in various ways. Some did this because they were directly affected. Some others joined this movement because they couldn’t keep quiet seeing such cold-blooded activities. Some of those projects succeeded in uprooting evil forces, some didn’t. But all of them proved to the world that when human beings come together with common and genuine interest, things can and will change.

Plachimada- Fight against a Global Giant Coke

            A thousand day long protest was staged to gain justice, in a small village named Plachimada, in Kerala, South India. Ever since the beginning of this massive people’s struggle, Plachimada was at the centre of water related forums all over the world. Plachimada gains importance because it was a struggle initiated by ordinary people who realized that Coca Cola was putting an end to their livelihood and their lives as well, through their bottling plant in the village.

            Thousand Days and a Dream is a documentary film directed by Sarathchandran and Baburaj, immortalizing the crucial moments of the Plachimada struggle. The dream talked about in the film is to uproot Coke from Plachimada. It took a thousand days to legally move the conscience of the nation to look at the problem with just eyes. Those who took part in the struggle had to give up so many comforts of life. Mayilamma, the village woman who led the struggle is an iconic figure of such concerns of today. She and thousands of other villagers stood firm against all kinds of gimmicks played by the government and Coke. But the villagers had no choice but to struggle. Their village became a living example of what exploitation of water could do to them. The ground water either disappeared or was contaminated. Land became uncultivable, because they used the fertilizer given ‘freely’ by Coke. Therefore, they had to raise their voice against this injustice. Millions of gallons of fresh water extracted daily by Coke, fetched them millions of Dollars and endless misery for the villagers.

            After long and relentless and untiring struggle for years, finally the Multinational Giant- Coca Cola had to leave the village. Recently, the court ordered the company to pay them a compensation of Rs. 200 Crores.  But justice delayed is justice denied!

Narmada Bachao Andolan

            Another episode of genuine social concern is Narmada Bachao Andolan, which drew new routes of popular struggle against corporate and anti-national interests. The whole issue began decades ago when the plan to build a dam across the river Narmada, in Gujarat was proposed. World Bank had given millions of Dollars for the project. The popular struggle against the dam went on for years. Finally World Bank had to pull out of the project. But our own leaders and bureaucrats did not want the plan to be scraped. So they persevered. In spite of the nation’s conscience, the dam happened. Its reservoir engulfed livelihoods, cultures, traditions and dreams of millions of villagers in Gujarat and neighbouring states. These victims of Narmada Dam will stand for ever as victims of unjust development. The dam catered only to urban interests. The dam has failed to fulfill promises made about rehabilitation and compensation.

             Anand Patwardhan’s film, The Narmada Diary portrays the history of this movement through the eyes of the camera. It’s a video diary, kept by the filmmaker to write this great episode of people’s struggle into world history. What is intriguing about this dam project is its size. Narmada is huge in size. This is the largest hydraulic- engineering plan yet devised, with 1 super dam, 29 great dams, 135 medium and 3000 smaller dams, vast irrigation/canalization, embracing 40 million people. Its central hinge is the Sardar Sarovar high dam in Gujarat, whose headwater reservoir and associated canalization will displace over half a million locals – a great swathe of fishers, farmers, and forest-dwellers, now summoned to “make a sacrifice for the nation’. This sacrifice, forcefully inflicted on people is what goes against democracy. India’s integrity as a democratic republic is under stake here. A few powerful and influential people can decide upon the fate of millions of people, without their consent or even knowledge. The unofficial accounts say that Rs. 400 Billion is spent on the dam. This is the bate that hooked the powerful class, to hold on to the idea.

Cochabamba- Bolivian Struggle

            As mentioned earlier, a consortium of multinational water business firms signed an agreement with the government of Bolivia to undertake the public water distribution system of Cochabamba. Immediately after taking charge, they increased water prices by 35 percent, which angered people of the place. The women of the place got out into the streets and raised their voice. Soon, the movement drew international attention. Many more hands joined the struggle. Millions of emails were sent to the U.N. and other international agencies. Due to this massive resistance, the government had to scrap the project. This is another victory for people of genuine concern for nature.

Yangtze- Contradictions of Development

                Up the Yangtze is a beautiful account of what happened in China, when the Three Gorges Dam came up. Under the iron hands of the Red Regime, no one dared to raise their voice. But it is a fact that 2 millions lost their livelihood. The protagonist of the film is a girl named Yu Shui. She lost her home when water level rose. After losing everything due to the dam, she had to work on a ship which hosted rich foreign tourists on the same dam’s reservoir! Contradictions pile up as China goes right with an indicator showing left. The luxurious boat floats over a culture that would soon vanish under water. The culture, traditions and livelihood of millions went under water, silently without protest. But today, the dam itself is a memoir of development that lost its direction.

Conclusion

            Water continues to be everyone’s need. But it has ceased to be everyone’s privilege.   Soon it will become the right of a particular class. That is, if we don’t come out of our comfortable corners. What happened to Cochabambinos and Narmada valley inhabitants may happen to you and me tomorrow. Tomorrow, it could be some of us who stand confused at the sight of rising water levels, like Naagi in the film Dweepa. And today’s world would tell us that such things are not too far. Global warming was a myth till yesterday. Today, every city dweller on the face of the earth would vouch for the fact that temperature is rising day by day and rainfall is coming down season by season. In the mad rush for development, we forget to keep the earth safe. We also forget that there are a thousand other generations coming after us, to inhabit our Earth.

            Water needs to be protected. Water needs to be cared for. Nothing is impossible- says Cochabamba and Plachimada. What we need is willingness and openness. We need to act in our little ways, to safeguard the earth. We may not become Medha Patkars, Mayilammas or Anand Patwardhans. But we can genuinely be ourselves and do the little that is in our hands. Awareness needs to be spread among people who think they can make a difference. And more and more people should be made to think that they can make a difference. Only then we can make a difference.

                                                 *******************************

     

World is thirsty today. But keep in mind, that all need to quench their thirst.

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